Work at adjusting to having a baby and preserve your relationship

Since the birth of your baby, you notice something's amiss. Mum and dad are no longer cuddling and curling up with each other. When baby's asleep, and there's time for both of you, they'll prefer to catch up on much-needed sleep than to be lovey-dovey. When baby's awake, he requires your constant attention and love that he seems to be the one getting all your cuddles. 

But there's hope. As with any change, it takes time to adjust. So with a little bit of effort and a heap of patience on both sides, having a baby can bring the two of you closer together. 

WINDS OF CHANGE
It is normal for mothers of newborns to feel exhausted every minute of the day. Unlike pregnancy, when you (and your body) had time to adjust to all the 'big' changes (bigger belly, bigger boobs, etc) in nine months, after baby's born, you have to pretty much shift to high gear from the moment you pop him out. So when a mother has to be the Energizer bunny when baby’s awake, it's little wonder that she has no time for husband when baby's asleep. 

Sharon Charlton-Thomson, relationship expert and founder of the Parent Coaching Company in UK notes that many couples find it difficult to make the transition to parenthood. "Becoming a parent isn't easy on your relationship, and it can be a real struggle to find time for yourself, let alone your husband," she says. 

"Your life and your identity change radically as you shift from husband and wife to Mummy and Daddy. This, combined with the problems of work commitments and agreeing on how to bring up your baby, can be tough." 

When the initial euphoria that you feel after the birth is replaced by sheer exhaustion, many couples tend to get a bit more edgy and would snap at each other more. The lack of sleep also makes matters worse. According to experts, they estimate that new parents lose between 400 and 750 hours of sleep during the first year. This explains why many newborn’s parents are frayed round the edges. 

Mum-of-one, Helen S. recalls, "Sometimes we'd get up for Kerri four to five times in the night, and almost every time, we'd snap at each other. It was horrible to be treating each other like that and, it made the broken nights worse." 

Sharon says that both parties should prioritise their time to relax. "Don't feel guilty about taking time out for yourself, but remember your husband isn't a mind reader. Be careful of giving mixed messages – if you say 'I'm fine' when you really mean 'I'm about to collapse', you can't blame him for not responding as you'd like." 

Be open and honest to each other about your emotional well-being, and don't sweep little grievances under the carpet. "If you collect up niggles every time you feel cross and hurt then let them all out at once, your husband will be left thinking, 'What was all that about?' Try to respond to annoyances as they happen." 

BRING THE MAGIC BACK
Fortunately you can re-ignite the passion you once felt for your spouse pre-baby. But it takes time. The most important thing is communication, so you’ll need to spend time with your husband, without your baby in the backseat. 

Sharon explains the importance of having a strong relationship for your baby's sake. She says, "Couples who can talk issues through, are sensitive to each other’s needs, share responsibilities and spend quality time together can resolve all these problems more easily." Let your grandma or the maid take charge of your baby for one afternoon while you whisk yourself away for some 'couple' time. 

Parents-of-one Alex and Jackie agree that taking time out for each other did wonders for their relationship. Alex shares, "I talked her into going on a fortnightly 'date', where we both make an effort to dress up and really talk to each other. We're much closer for it, and it’s given us space to remember why we fell in love with each other in the first place." 

Jackie feels that since they've started their 'ritual', "I've now got the right balance, because I'm not neglecting anybody. This will definitely make us stronger as a family." 

Just remember that having a baby can be a wonderful thing for your relationship. "It can bring so much joy and love into your lives, and show you how to pull together, supporting each other and providing understanding," says Sharon. "It may be the busiest time of your life, but with a little work, it can also be the best."

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg

- Mother & Baby
Grab your latest issue at all major newsstands and bookstores today!