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Oh, Do Behave
What do you do when your toddler turns from angel to monster?
By Linda Stanfield
We’ve all been there. Whether it’s biting his best pal in front of the mummy mafia, picking his nose in your friend’s wedding video, or throwing a supermarket tantrum, there are times when you want to disown your toddler. Before you take that rather drastic step, Mother & Baby’s experts are here to help you banish bad behaviour - without losing your temper, or your child. Phew!
BITING OTHER TOTS
All tots experience extreme emotions and can become aggressive (it’s actually an in-built survival mechanism), but they don’t yet have the maturity to deal with it. Sometimes, your toddler will find a situation too overwhelming to handle. Hence, the shark-like “impression” she’s just left on little Johnny’s arm.
“Your toddler is competing with other children at her toddler group and she’s probably biting them because she feels vulnerable,” says Ros Bennet, an infant mental health specialist.
Tempting though it is to sit in a mum-huddle drinking tea, Bennet suggests you stay close to your child while she plays, to figure out what makes her gnash out.
“It’s important for your toddler to see you apologise to the bitten child and his mum,” advises Bennet. “Then explain that, although she wants the toy, hurting another child isn’t the way to get it.”
It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but a reassuring cuddle rather than an ear lashing will help too. “If your tot feels you understand her rage, she’s less likely to bite next time,” says Bennet.
NOSE PICKING
Nose picking is a phase all children go through (some into adulthood!).
“The more you draw attention to it, the more she’ll do it,” says Mother & Baby nurse Jackie Walsh. “All toddlers experiment and this is just another discovery for her.”
Your best bet is to ignore it. If you really can’t bear it, walk away, but don’t cause a scene. If she’s picking her nose while you’re out, use distraction techniques such as offering to do something with her, like a jigsaw puzzle. “I don’t know any toddler who’d choose nose picking over doing something fun with Mum!” says Walsh.
If your toddler’s nose picking is really getting to you, get down to her level and firmly say, “Stop that.” Then take her off to another activity, or she’ll just do it again as soon as your back’s turned.
THE PUBLIC TANTRUM
The public tantrum is every mum’s nightmare and so hard to manage.
“The key is to be prepared,” advises Sharda Parthasarathi, a children’s services manager for the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) in the UK. “If you know he’ll have a tantrum when you’re out, work out his triggers and pre-empt it.”
The usual suspects are frustration at being strapped in a stroller or trapped in a supermarket trolley, being tired, hungry or bored, or wanting something he can’t have. Talk about his triggers before you go and offer a reward if you get through the shop or journey hassle-free. And get him involved in the shopping - ask him to point out all the green things, or make a list of ingredients and ask him to look out for them.
If he throws a full-scale tantrum, stay calm (easier said than done, we know). “Shouting or smacking will only prolong your tot’s tantrum, so just let him get on with it,” Parthasarathi says. “If it gets really bad, leave your trolley and take him outside.”
Stick to your guns and don’t worry about what other people think. Once your little hot-head has calmed down, tell him you didn’t like his behaviour but that he did well to stop. Then, cuddle him and tell him you still love him.
PLAYING WITH HIS PRIVATES
Let us reassure you ― all toddlers will discover their private parts at some stage and get pleasure from touching them, so your son’s behaviour isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
“This is a normal phase of toddler development and it’s vital that you don’t make your tot feel bad or tell him what he’s doing is ‘dirty’,” Walsh advises. How you deal with something like this really depends on your feelings as a parent - some mothers have no problem with their child doing this, while others find it extremely embarrassing.
“If you’d rather he didn’t play with himself, use distraction techniques and give him lots of positive attention at other times,” she adds. “It could be that your son has realised he gets more attention from you when he plays with himself, so he does it more and more in order to get that reaction from you.”
WHINING
Many mums’ Achilles heel is the whine - it goes right through you, doesn’t it?
“This is something you need to talk about with your toddler,” says Parthasarathi. “Tell her it makes you cross so, if she does it, she’ll have to go for time out.” Your time-out zone should be away from the action, such as a bottom step.
“Whining is one of those behaviours that’s so easy to give in to, because you just want it to stop. But however tempting that may be, giving in just teaches your tot that she gets her own way when she whines, so she’ll just do it again,” she explains.
A star chart can be a great tool for whiners. If she gets through a morning or afternoon without a moan, pop a sticker on the chart. If she goes a week groan-free, she gets a treat such as a swim or a trip to the zoo.
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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