It's time to start putting a stop to your tot’s bad habits

By Tessa Clayton

“At around 2 years old, children realise they can have an impact on the world, and tantrums are their way of saying, ‘Look what I can do!’”  “If your toddler’s a shouter, look in the mirror. He copies your behaviour, so, if you shout, he shouts, because he thinks it’s acceptable.”  “Children need to taste a food, or see someone else eating it, up to 15 times before they’re prepared to eat it themselves.”  “Get in there before the whining starts and fuss over him. If you only pay him attention when he whines, you’ll just reinforce the whining behaviour.”

How many New Year’s resolutions do you make, only to break them by mid-January? Maybe this year, it’s time you made them for your toddler instead! 

We’ve got all his bad habits covered, and the advice you need to crack them. Here’s to a beautifully-behaved year ahead! 

1. “I’LL SAY ‘TA-TA’ TO TANTRUMS”
Manhandling your purple-faced, kicking toddler into a car seat may not be much fun, but it actually shows your tot is making progress, according to child psychologist Dr Alan Bradley. “At around 2 years old, children realise they can have an impact on the world, and tantrums are their way of saying, ‘Look what I can do!’” he says. 

Help your tot kick the tantrum habit by avoiding situations that stress him out, such as taking him shopping when he’s tired. “Still, the best tactic is to ignore his tantrums, while keeping your toddler safe,” Dr Bradley notes. “Put a cushion beside him so he can’t do himself any damage if he throws himself around. Try not to get anxious, as your child will pick up on that and exploit it.” 

And if he goes nuts at the supermarket? “Obviously, if you think he’s going to hurt himself or cause damage, you have to act,” Dr Bradley adds. “You could try hugging him until he’s calmed down, but this makes some tots worse. It’s best to keep him in the trolley seat so that he’s confined, and put your arms around him so he can’t hit you.” 

2. “I’LL GIVE UP BREAKFAST TV”
When you’re getting everyone ready in the morning, it’s easy to let your little one munch a muesli bar in front of the telly to buy yourself some time. “The problem with TV is it interferes with communication,” says nurse Jackie Grier who focuses on parent coaching. “So if you’re trying to tell your child to get a move on, you’re not going to get the response you want if he’s glued to the Box.” 

So, is there a pain-free way to wean your toddler off TV? “Make sure you explain to your child what you’re doing, and the reason behind it,” Grier stresses. 

“Or you could try giving him a sticker for a fuss-free morning, which he can cash in for the privilege of watching his favourite programmes later on.” 

3. “I WILL NOT YELL AT MUMMY”
Nothing brings you up short like your scowling 2-year-old folding his arms in a huff and yelling, “I’ve had enough!” 

“If your toddler’s a shouter, look in the mirror,” Grier suggests. “He copies your behaviour, so, if you shout, he shouts, because he thinks it’s acceptable.” 

Using a firm, assertive voice, getting down to his level and making eye contact is much more effective than shouting. 

“If your tot does shout, say firmly, ‘I’m not happy with you shouting’,” Grier adds. “Praise him as soon as he speaks nicely, then move on to something else quickly so you don’t focus on it.” 

For toddlers who shout because they’re naturally loud and exuberant, Grier suggests turning it into a game. “Tell your tot he can have five minutes of singing or shouting time,” she advises. “Or do the opposite, and have competitions to see who can talk in the quietest voice - toddlers love a challenge, so use it to your advantage!” 

4. “I’LL STOP HITTING PEOPLE”
Of all the toddler bad habits, hitting (or biting, pinching, pushing…) has to be the most distressing. “For your toddler, hitting is an experiment,” says Dr Bradley. 

“He thinks, ‘What happens if I hit Jimmy on the head? Oh, he cries!’. And to a toddler who hasn’t learnt to empathise, it’s great fun.” It’s also a great way for a child who’s feeling threatened by a new sibling to attract your attention. 

“Hitting is one behaviour you simply can’t ignore,” Dr Bradley asserts. “However, while giving your child a lecture might make you - and Jimmy’s mum  - feel a whole lot better, it won’t have much effect on your toddler. This is because children aren’t fully able to empathise with others until they’re near school age.” 

It’s better to distract your child by presenting him with another toy or activity to get on with. If you can’t distract him, physically remove him until he’s calmed down. “You need to stop your toddler’s violent behaviour while making as little fuss as possible - otherwise, your child will realise hitting gets Mummy’s attention, and will keep doing it,” Dr Bradley explains. 

5. ‘I’LL SLEEP IN MY OWN BED’
Fed up with sleeping on the outer 15cm of your bed because your toddler’s sprawled out in the middle? You can reclaim your bed this coming year, but it won’t be easy, warns Grier. 

“When your toddler gets into your bed at night, take him straight back to his,” Grier advises. “Be reassuring but give him minimal contact. Keep the lights low and don’t speak unless it’s absolutely necessary. And be consistent: If you give in once, the pattern will be re-established.” 

Incentives, such as star charts, can work for children aged 2½ and over. “For younger children who don’t like to be alone, a night-light or a radio on low can be comforting,” suggests Grier. “Or put fluorescent stars on the ceiling, so that he has something to focus on. Make his room a special, cosy place ? somewhere he feels safe and will want to spend time.” 

6. “I’LL STOP BEING A FUSSY EATER”
Your child spurns porridge, turns his nose up at yoghurt, and baulks at fruits and veg. Worried he’ll waste away, you feed him what you know he’ll eat ? sweets, biscuits and crisps. 

“You can’t change a child’s eating patterns overnight,” notes nutritionist Judy More, who provides guidance to parents on healthy eating for children and young people. “The most important thing is that your child sits with other people at mealtime, so he can see them eating and enjoying their food. Children need to taste a food, or see someone else eating it, up to 15 times before they’re prepared to eat it themselves.” 

In the meantime, take a closer look at his diet. You might find he’s actually eating a few healthy things, such as wholemeal bread or cereal, which you can work with. Try putting cheese spread on his bread or fruit in his cornflakes, while cutting down on sweets. “Make the changes slowly, and set boundaries by stating very clearly what you’re going to do and sticking to it,” adds More. 

7. “I’LL GIVE UP WHINING”
There’s something about your toddler’s high-pitched whining that, like fingernails on a blackboard, reaches parts of your brain no other sound can reach. “If your child whines, ask yourself: What’s in it for him?” Dr Bradley says. “If it’s a plea for attention, get in there before the whining starts and fuss over him. If you only pay him attention when he whines, you’ll just reinforce the whining behaviour.” 

The key is to focus on the positives, adds Grier. “Try hard to comment on anything good your toddler does - and that might mean focusing on really tiny things,” she advises. “So if he speaks without whining, say, ‘I really enjoyed talking to you today’ or ‘That’s a lovely way to say that - well done!’ Ignore the whining as much as possible, because the more you respond to it, the more he’ll do it.”

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg 

- Mother & Baby
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