Find out why your little one's behaving like a terror

By Helen Brown 

You love your child to bits, but, boy, can she wind you up! Well, the experts say that’s exactly how it’s meant to be. Read on to understand why she’s behaving that way.

Whatever annoying behaviour your child is suddenly up to, it’s probably got less to do with your parenting than it has with a new development in her emotional experience.  Repeat to yourself: “It’s a phase, it’s a phase.” Because it always is!

It happens overnight. You put an adorable angel child to bed - and wake up to a right little devil. Somehow, while she was asleep, she’s acquired the most annoying new habit and, within minutes, you’re losing the parental plot. Where once you tripped from day to day in calm happy-mummy mode, now there’s more steam coming out of your ears than Thomas the Tank Engine. 

“It’s really important not to take it personally,” says Louise Emanuel, a consultant child psychotherapist. “Whatever annoying behaviour your child is suddenly up to, it’s probably got less to do with your parenting than it has with a new development in her emotional experience.” 

So you see she’s not deliberately upsetting you, just struggling to make sense of a whole host of new feelings. Not convinced? Read our expert’s take on five of the most annoying baby-and-toddler traits of all time, and you’ll learn to love them ? we promise!
 
CLINGING
Once, you could leave your baby with anyone. Now, if you make so much as to leave the room, she attaches herself to your leg like a limpet. It’s mystifying, irritating and presses all sorts of “I’m a bad mother” guilt buttons. 

What’s really happening “As your child grows and develops the ability to move and separate from you, she starts to realise you can move away from her, 
too,” Emanuel says. “That what’s creating her anxiety. It’s a phase that passes once she learns you always come back.” 

Sanity-saving tip If you do have to leave her, keep the goodbyes short and sweet. Her cries for you will only intensify if you linger longer out of guilt. Soon, she won’t care where the hell you are!
 
TANTRUMS
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You do something that didn’t raise a toddler eyebrow yesterday - peel off her yoghurt top, maybe, or help her put her red skirt on - and today it causes meltdown. Coping with this kind of toddler fury would tax the patience of a saint. 

What’s really happening “She’s being overwhelmed by these big new feelings of frustration or anger,” Emanuel explains. “The strength of her own emotions has taken her by surprise and that’s what is spinning her out of control.” 

Sanity-saving tip Think of a tantrum as your child’s way of shouting out for help. She needs someone strong enough to withstand her fury and show her how to deal with it. So help calm her down - or dive for cover!
 
WHINGEING
“Want biscuit! Want biscuit! Waaanttt biiiiscuit!” Aaargh! No matter how many times you say “No” or ignore her, your child is stuck on action replay in a voice so grating, it would shred carrot. It’s tempting to give in to get some peace, but if you do, she’ll think whingeing wins. 

What’s really happening 'It’s likely your child feels out of sorts,” says Emanuel. “She knows she wants something, but can’t work out what, or how to get it. Nine times out of 10, it’s not a biscuit but your attention.” 

Sanity-saving tip Ignore the words and recognise the anxiety behind them. Say, “I can’t hear you when you talk in that whining voice. Tell me what you want in a nice voice.” Then stop what you’re doing and listen - and then say “No!”
 
HUNGER STRIKE
You’ve begged, bribed and threatened, but still your tot won’t touch a scrap of food. You’re at your wits’ end and seriously worried she’s not eating enough to stay healthy. 

What’s really happening “She’s found a way to assert her independence,” Emanuel explains. “She’s realised that not eating gets a big reaction and she’s playing up to it. Your anxiety is allowing her to turn mealtimes into a battle.” 

Sanity-saving tip Make it easier for her to eat more by stressing out less: Numerous studies show that at this age, most poor eaters do take in enough of the nutrients they need to stay healthy - so it’s highly unlikely you’re starving her. And don’t bribe her with sweet stuff, either.
 
DEFIANCE
It’s the end of the day and you ask your sweetie to clear up her toys. Instead of rushing straight to the toy chest as usual, she looks you square in the eyes and shouts “No!” And keeps on shouting it. 

What’s really happening “She’s testing your limits,” Emanuel says. ‘She’s reaching the age when all children routinely push the boundaries their parents have set. But that doesn’t mean she expects ? or even really wants – you to give in.” 

Sanity-saving tip It’s your job to stand firm and be the boundary-keeper. Your child needs to know what you expect from her. So stick to your guns, she’ll thank you for it. Erm, one day.

Breathe Easy Seven golden rules to keep your cool.   1. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you or your parenting - it’s about your child and how her emotions are developing. 2. Take a deep breath and try to regain your calm before you do or say anything. 3. Remember, she’s only acting her age. As should you! 4. Be kind but firm. Your child won’t love you any less. Honest. 6. Think of all her good points. It’s a great way to put her current bad behaviour in perspective. 7. Repeat to yourself: “It’s a phase, it’s a phase.” Because it always is!

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg 

- Mother & Baby
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