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Naughty But Nice
Yes, there is a silver lining behind your toddler's tantrums
By Lucy Dimbylow
Parents often reinforce whining by giving in to it. Tell your child that you’re not going to answer until she speaks nicely. And if you are going to give in to her, make sure you do it straightaway, otherwise you’re just teaching her that if she whinges enough, she’ll get her own way.
Your toddler’s moving away from being dependent on you, and tantrums are her way of making her mark on the world.
The key to getting through separation anxiety is to make your child understand that if you go away, you’ll always come back.
Each family has to set its own boundaries but, whatever your rules, be consistent. |
Sometimes it’s difficult to believe there’s anything nice whatsoever about your toddler. If she’s not throwing a tantrum because you tried to brush her hair, then she’s clinging to you like a limpet or whining that she’s tired/hungry/bored.
Delightful, eh? But believe it or not, there is a positive side to all that challenging behaviour. Here’s how to see her in a much better light…
WHINGEING
Whingeing should be used as a form of torture - there’s nothing quite as nerve-shattering! But annoying though it may be, it proves your little one is becoming emotionally aware. The problem is, she has all these new feelings but she can’t find the right words to tell you about them.
“You need to help your child learn to express her feelings in an acceptable way,” says parenting coach Judy Reith. “One trick is to draw pictures of faces with different expressions. You can use these faces to introduce words like happy, sad, angry and tired, so if she’s struggling, your toddler can describe how she really feels without resorting to whining.”
Eileen Hayes, a parenting adviser, suggests adopting a zero-tolerance policy for whingeing. “Parents often reinforce whining by giving in to it,” she reveals. “Tell your child that you’re not going to answer until she speaks nicely. And if you are going to give in to her, make sure you do it straightaway, otherwise you’re just teaching her that if she whinges enough, she’ll get her own way.”
TANTRUMS
You used to be embarrassed when your newborn baby screamed in public, but now you know there’s nothing like a screaming toddler to really show you up. It’s difficult to see a positive side to tantrums, but they’re actually quite therapeutic for your little tornado. “If she’s cross, having a tantrum will clear the air and help her calm down,” Hayes explains.
Unprompted tantrums are also a result of your little one’s emerging independence. “Your toddler’s moving away from being dependent on you, and tantrums are her way of making her mark on the world,” Reith notes.
Although tantrums have their benefits, most of us would rather keep them to a minimum. “She might just be tired or hungry, so think about what’s triggered her bad mood,” suggests Reith. “Look at what’s happening in her environment and think about how you can make things easier.”
Most important, though, is staying calm. “Shouting just makes your toddler worse,” Hayes stresses. “The best strategies are either to create an immediate distraction, or ignore the tantrum until it passes.”
CLINGINESS
How long has it been since you last went to the loo uninterrupted? Clinginess is unbelievably wearing, but you should take it as a compliment. “You’re the most important person in your toddler’s life and she doesn’t want to let you out of her sight,” Hayes says. “Her clinging is a sign of the strength of her attachment to you.”
The key to getting through separation anxiety is to make your child understand that if you go away, you’ll always come back.
“Playing games like peek-a-boo will help her grasp that concept,” Hayes suggests. “And never nip off without saying goodbye. It’s much better for her to understand that you’re going, even if she does start to cry.”
Reith suggests you also plant a “fantasy time” in your toddler’s mind. “Tell her you’ll be thinking about her all day, and ask what she’d like to do when you get back,” she advises. “This will give her a sense that she’s important to you even when you’re not there, as well as give her something to look forward to.”
WILFULNESS
You’ve asked your tot not to open that cupboard/walk through the puddle/pull the cat’s tail at least 73 times today already. And what’s she doing? Exactly what you told her not to, of course.
Wilfulness shouldn’t be seen as naughtiness, though. It’s simply your independent tot seeing what she can get away with.
Reith recommends a three-pronged attack for dealing with a wilful toddler. “The first tack is to ignore her, as even negative attention is better than no attention at all,” she says. “Try to distract her and give her something else to think about.” If this tactic doesn’t work, the next step is to firmly tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. “Say something like, ‘No, the pots have to stay in the cupboard’, then remove her from the situation,” Reith suggests.
For the worst crimes - anything rough or dangerous - call for a time out. “Rather than making her sit on her own, it’s better to move your child to a ‘thinking spot’,” says Reith. “Stay with her to explain why she’s there, and don’t let her move until she’s ready to apologise.” Younger toddlers who can’t say sorry yet can be encouraged to kiss their victim better.
IGNORING
Funny how your tot can hear perfectly well if you mention biscuits, but ask her to pick up her toys and she’s as deaf as a post. Being ignored is infuriating, but it happens because of her fascination with the world around her. “She’s so absorbed in what she’s doing that she can’t bear to stop,” Reith explains.
To get your child to listen, you need to engage her attention, rather than just shouting orders. “Get down to her level, put your hands on her shoulders, look her in the eye and explain what you want her to do,” Hayes says.
Each family has to set its own boundaries but, whatever your rules, be consistent. As Hayes asserts, “If you always reinforce your message in the same way, eventually your toddler will get the picture.”
MUMS LIKE YOU
"Jack went through a really wilful stage at about 13 months. He was constantly messing with things he wasn’t allowed to touch. The answer was to remove temptation - we wall-mounted the TV and DVD player, fitted cupboard locks and put stair gates across the kitchen and rooms he wasn’t allowed into. It kept him out of trouble until he was old enough to understand ‘No’.”
Sarah Chow, mum to Jack, 20 months.
“The best way to snap Annabel out of a tantrum is to hold her tight on my lap, facing away from me, with no eye contact. It comforts her and keeps her safe while she’s thrashing about, and eventually she calms down.”
Emily Richards, mum to Christopher, 6 weeks, and Annabel, 18 months.
“If Maddie is whingeing, I whinge back at her. Sometimes, I don’t think she even knows she’s doing it, so this stops her in her tracks, and makes her giggle, too.”
Wong Fei Fei, mum to Madeleine, 18 months, and Kieran, 6.
“Karima often ignores me when she’s in the midst of playing or watching TV. She responds better if I give her a five-minute warning of what I want her to do, so she knows what’s coming. And because I don’t have to physically drag her away, she’s less likely to have a tantrum.”
Katijah Zainal, mum to Karima, 2.
“Seth can be very clingy, especially before going for his preschool sessions. My secret weapon is to let him take something of mine in his school bag - my watch, hairbrush, even a pair of socks! It gives him a little piece of me to keep with him.”
Marie Gan, mum to Seth, 3. |
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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