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| My Toddler
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Grow Getters
Tots will be tots
If your darling diva say “no” all the time, throws terrible tantrums, insists on doing some things herself, yet is incredibly clingy at other times, relax, she’s just being a toddler. Christina Ching unravels what's behind your 2-year-old’s baffling behaviour.
You may find it bittersweet to watch your tot’s path to independence, but view this phase positively. She’s learning to take care of her own needs, state her personal preferences, and understand her place in the world.
Boost your child’s independence and growing sense of self by offering choices, as well as things she can do on her own.
It helps to bear in mind that it’s not easy for your tyke either - just imagine if you can’t quite express what you want, or aren’t allowed to do or have something without understanding why, you’d be in a fit, too!
Resist the urge to sneak away when your toddler's back is turned, such as when you go to work, for example. It won't help her cope, and it may just make her more afraid that you aren't coming back.
From around 18 months old, she'll start interacting more with her playmates, although she'll be fiercely protective of her toys. |
When your sweetie was a baby, you did everything for her - changed her soiled diapers, wiped her face after a spit up, and burped her after meals.
But as your child develops, she'll learn to do things on her own, from washing her hands and removing her shoes, to getting her own bowl of cereal. As your little one’s sense of self and independence grows, she’ll start to assert her wants. This often leads to bad behaviour, from throwing tantrums and defiance, to whining and even aggression.
You may find it bittersweet to watch your tot’s path to independence, but view this phase positively. She’s learning to take care of her own needs, state her personal preferences, and understand her place in the world - all important parts of her growth. While she can really drive you up the wall sometimes, experts say that she will grow out of it. Here’s what your tot is experiencing and how you can help her blossom into the unique person that she is.
DIY mode
Your child's independent streak develops after she turns 1. Towards her second birthday, she’ll start to truly realise her sense of self. She’ll love striking out on her own, and will probably go through a period of adamantly saying “no” to everything.
One of her most common refrains will probably be, “I can do it myself”. She may insist on climbing into her car seat and buckling up without any help. And if you offer to button up her shirt, she may protest and wave you away. Now that she is beginning to feel more separate from you, she asserts herself by insisting on doing things her way. So she’ll try to do things on her own, but because she's still not very nimble, those little buttons will be too difficult for her to fasten up, which may bring on a tantrum. While you may be itching to get your hands on her shirt, you should actually desist.
Dr Low Kah Tzay, M&B’s consultant paediatrician and child development specialist advises, advises, “Encourage her attempts at independence. Take note of her abilities and remove any potential danger when she’s trying to do things for herself. When a toddler knows her abilities and boundaries, her confidence and self-esteem will build up.”
Boost your child’s independence and growing sense of self by offering choices, as well as things she can do on her own. A choice between two outfits, snacks or afternoon activities lets your child to think for herself, just as allowing her to turn the pages of a board book shows her that she's learning to help herself. As your mini-me approaches her third birthday, she’ll want to do more and more things on her own. Take advantage of this stage by teaching your toddler to carry her own plate to the sink after she eats and to put away her toys when she's done playing. She's not ready to clean up her own room, but she'll probably join in happily if you ask her to put the blocks back into the box, or help you reshelve her storybooks.
Discovery channel
Early in her second year of life, the adventure of self-discovery truly begins. Your mini miracle will transform amazingly from a helpless bundle to a feisty, independent tot. As a result, this is also a period of extreme mood swings and troubling behaviour. Commonly called the “Terrible Twos”, this trying phase, which starts at around 18 months, may continue throughout her preschool years. Understanding the reasons behind your child's actions can help you survive this tumultuous time.
Once completely dependent on you, your child now has the physical and mental capacity to explore on her own. She’s now on the move and makes voyages of discovery, believing she rules the world. All too quickly, she learns the limits of her powers as she tries new experiences - whether it’s clambering on the sofa and then not knowing how to get down, or getting hopelessly tangled when she tries to put on her pyjamas. When she realises she doesn't have everything figured out, she becomes frustrated and frightened.
Provide her with a safe home environment and give her the freedom to test her limits and explore her surroundings, Dr Low suggests. Keep dangerous objects out of her reach and plenty of safe ones within it so that you don’t need to run around saying “no” every time she touches something that could harm her.
As your child continues to struggle for independence, she'll regularly test her limits ? colouring on the walls, for example, even if you tell her not to, or leaving the naughty corner if you've placed her there when she's misbehaved. Try to be patient, and remember: There's value in it all — your little rascal is developing an identity of her own.
Remote control
Self-control is a skill that children learn over time (even adults sometimes have trouble showing restraint ? like when you cuss uncontrollably when another car cuts dangerously into your lane!). You need only look at a 9-month-old gleefully tossing her pumpkin puree around to know that babies don't have much self-control — and we don't expect them to.
But soon after your little one's first birthday, you'll find yourself beginning to hold her to a higher standard ? expecting her to listen to you and to do as you say. By her third birthday, you'll be insisting that she follows all sorts of rules, such as refraining from tipping her cup over purposely and playing nicely with her friends.
You’ll know that your tot is developing self-control when she begins to cooperate. As she is more aware of your expectations, she can obey simple requests — sometimes anyway. But since your 1-year-old is also driven to assert herself, she may defy your wishes. Try asking her not to yell at the supermarket, and it's a toss-up whether she'll comply or ignore you. And if the matter at hand is her favourite gummy bears, don’t be surprised if she screams the house down until she gets what she wants.
“At this young age, she still has a limited language ability to communicate, and so she expresses herself ? especially when she’s stopped from doing the things she likes ? in the only way she knows how, by throwing a tantrum,” Dr Low explains.
While such behaviour will test your patience, it’s best to keep your temper in check and your expectations realistic, Dr Low advises. It helps to bear in mind that it’s not easy for your tyke either - just imagine if you can’t quite express what you want, or aren’t allowed to do or have something without understanding why, you’d be in a fit, too!
So, lavish your tot with lots of love and attention. “Encourage her to communicate and try to understand her,” Dr Low advises. “Once a child feels understood and learns to express herself properly, the tantrums will ease.”
In the meantime, head for the door if she's getting fractious. If you're warm and patient, and set low expectations, you'll probably get more cooperation than opposition form your toddler. And make sure to show how happy and proud you are when your child complies with your requests, but be prepared to remove her from the situation when she can't.
While self-control is one area where development can be ex-cru-cia-ting-ly slow and steady, your tot will get there some day, experts promise. In the first three years, she’ll learn to resist temptation, develop a sense of conscience and anticipation, and start showing empathy - this will help her temper her own impulses as well as take others’ feelings into account.
Parting shot
When she was a newborn, your little girl did not know that you were two separate beings. Now that she’s entered toddlerhood, she knows that you are a separate entity who can leave her. However, since she doesn't yet grasp the reliability of your returning, she may get very upset when she sees you walking away.
Resist the urge to sneak away when your toddler's back is turned, such as when you go to work, for example. It won't help her cope, and it may just make her more afraid that you aren't coming back. Hard as it is, say goodbye and go while she's watching.
Once she becomes more social and more confident that you will, in fact, come back for her, she'll be able to move away and explore her world.
Separation anxiety can come and go throughout the toddler years, typically peaking around 18 months. She may also become more self-aware and shy as she nears her third year, when she’ll start recognising strangers and developing a sense of attachment to the people she is close to.
While some toddlers are quite outgoing and tell anyone who will listen about their newest toy, many kids this age are skittish around unfamiliar adults. And why shouldn't they be? Grownups are much taller, louder, and more assertive than your toddler and her peers! So don't get upset if she doesn't seem sociable to your friends. Your child will let you know when she's ready to sit on Auntie Anna's lap or chat to your best friend.
“Most children gradually outgrow separation anxiety and shyness as they interact more with others,” Dr Low explains. Depending on her personality and social environment, your child will outgrow these feelings by the time she is 5 to 7 years old, he adds.
But don't be surprised if, once she's cleared this hurdle, temporary episodes of separation anxiety recur from time to time. Your child’s road to maturity is riddled with separations: The first day of preschool, the first time at a sleepover, and even the first year of college overseas. Helping your toddler cope with separation now will make future separations easier.
And just because your child is starting to break out on her own doesn't mean she'll require less of your comfort and love. While she may grow less needy, she still craves your constant care. Encourage her any time she tries something on her own, but don't push her away when she runs back to you for support. She'll want and need your reassurances for a long time to come.
Social studies
As her parent, you were your child's first playmate — the first one to laugh at her antics and respond to her babbles. With your help and support, she's learning to interact with others. She’s also discovering how easy and fun it is to get them to smile, make faces, maybe even make silly noises back at her.
For the next two years, she'll build on these first experiences, learning to play games, hold conversations, make friends, and delight relatives. Learning to socialise is a lifelong process — something your toddler is now discovering firsthand.
As she learns to communicate, she'll start to flirt with other adults. She'll also begin to really enjoy the company of other children, both her peers as well as older kids. You may notice, though, that she and her pals engage primarily in "parallel play" — that is, they sit side by side but play on their own.
From around 18 months old, she'll start interacting more with her playmates, although she'll be fiercely protective of her toys. When she turns 2, your toddler will start to reach out actively to other children. But as with any other skill, she learns social skills by trial and error. As she lives in the moment, so the concept of taking turns — or waiting to play with a toy until after Brandon has had a chance — is meaningless to her. But she'll start to get the hang of sharing and taking turns the more she hangs out with her pals. And though she may not be generous all the time, she can learn to let Rachel go first on the slide, for example, or take the first cookie.
In her third year, you may catch your little one deep in conversation with Jamie, her pretend friend who's invisible to you. Don't worry, at this age, imaginary friends are normal and pave the way for her to make friends for real. She's learning how to form deep attachments with someone else besides you, something you'll want to encourage.
Children this age learn a lot from watching and interacting with others. When your little one understands how to empathise with other kids and appreciates how much fun it is to have playmates, she'll develop truer, more lasting friendships.
Measure Up
Your toddler's development milestones.
12-18 months
• MOVEMENT Most toddlers start walking at around 13 months, but some action terrors set off as early as 9 months. By 18 months, your little one should be toddling around confidently.
• SPEECH By 14 months, most toddlers can use at least two words. So listen out for that first “mama”, “dada” or “bye bye”.
• SKILLS She'll be able to stack two or three blocks, and will take great pleasure in knocking them down again.
When to worry
If she appears to have problems with her hearing and doesn't babble at all.
18-24 months
• MOVEMENT She'll probably be able to walk up the stairs by clutching your hand or the stair rail.
• SPEECH She'll be using at least 50 words by her second birthday. She'll probably be stringing two or three words together to form mini-sentences.
• SKILLS She'll begin to play with other children, but don't expect her to share or take turns yet.
When to worry
If she's not speaking much or not saying anything at all, and shows little interest in what's around her.
24-30 months
• MOVEMENT She can kick a ball. Now's the right moment to get her on the right side of the Premier League.
• SPEECH From 2, your child’s language skills will undergo a tremendous growth spurt. She'll start to understand more, and speak more clearly. She'll refer to herself by name, and begin to use language to engage in simple conversation.
• SKILLS Your budding artist can scribble with a pen, and may even start drawing circles and lines. She can also pull her pants down, but may need your help to pull them back up.
When to worry
If she plays in a repetitive manner, for example, constantly banging two objects together, and if she still “mouths” all her toys.
30-36 months
• MOVEMENT Your action hero will probably be able to run, jump, ride a trike, and throw and catch a ball.
• SPEECH Your little chatterbox will be using 200 or more words, and should get the hang of pronouns like “I”, “me” and “you”, as well as count to 10.
• SKILLS Her dexterity will have improved to the extent that she may be able to use a pair of children's scissors to cut paper. She'll have better balance and may even stand on one foot by the time she turns 3.
When to worry
If her behaviour doesn't seems to have progressed much in the past year, and her play shows no imagination at all.
Wow-Worthy Development Wonders
Think you know all about your sweetie’s fabulous feats? Here are some child development facts we bet you didn’t know…
Memory game
Your tot probably won't remember her best friends from preschool — or much else before the age of 3 — due to what psychologists call “infantile amnesia”. Early experiences never make it into the long-term memory banks because the brain's recording machinery isn't yet functional. But this doesn't mean that you can now slack off (no more weekly Botanic Gardens visits or nightly bedtime stories- Hooray!) ? what she experiences still have a profound effect on her development, it's just that she probably won't be able to recall them later.
Alien species
Young ones simply don't think the way adults do — they aren't yet capable of logical thinking, can't grasp abstract concepts and can't imagine anyone's perspective but their own. For example, up until 6 years, your child really believes that you can keep monsters out of her room if you put up a sign on their door stating, “No Monsters Allowed!”. And if you're sad, your preschooler may offer you her teddy bear because it's what comforts her and therefore, she reasons, that must be what you need to feel better. She simply can't understand you might prefer a calming cup of tea and some soothing music.
Brain gain
Though your child's basic brain function was developed at birth, her cerebral cortex — the part of the brain that experiences thought, stores memories, and controls voluntary muscle movement — only kicks into gear after experiencing the world. Between 1 and 2 years, the cerebral cortex adds more than 2 million new synapses — the connections between brain cells — every second! By 2, your toddler will have more than 100 trillion synapses — the most she'll ever have in her life, and part of the reason why she has such an incredible capacity to learn. This period of "synaptic exuberance" can last until she’s 8, but it's also accompanied by the constant pruning of unused synapses. By the time your child reaches adulthood, more than half of those neural pathways will be dead.
On one hand
Most 1-year-olds are ambidextrous, or use both hands equally. Your tot will likely start to show a preference for his right or left hand by 2 or 3 — and in about 90 per cent of kids, it'll be the right. No one really knows why, but genetics plays a role, as do social norms. There's also a theory that says your toddler is more likely to start preferring her right hand because three quarters of foetuses spend the last weeks of gestation with their right arm facing out, allowing it to move more freely. Still others say it's simply a learned behaviour — you hand things to your child with your right hand, and she follows suit.
Talk shop
Children understand language much earlier than they can speak. By age 1, your child typically understands about 70 words but speaks only a handful of them. But at about 18 months, your toddler's spoken vocabulary starts to explode and she adds new words at the astonishing rate of one every two waking hours. By the time she's 6, she'll probably understand about 13,000 words (compared to your 60,000 or so), though she's not likely to utter that many. |
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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