Parents, don't be afraid to reclaim your marital bed

By Keith G Emuang 

When Vickram was about seven months old, his parents decided to let him sleep on their bed as they observed he would fall asleep faster and sleep better throughout the night. 

Relates his mother, Monica, 33, "Both of us would take turns to listen to him breath at night. It was a wonderful feeling and we could sleep better too knowing he was near." 

Four years after, Monica and her husband Rahul find themselves trying to get Vickram to sleep in his own bed. They have tried various methods but seem to always give in to him when he cries. 

"We try all sorts of strategies. Monica even lies down with him until he falls asleep but somehow, in the middle of the night, he would come in and squeeze himself between us. It's not that I mind it but doing so every night has made it difficult for us to return to our regular sex lives," Rahul complains. 

Still, that is not the only problem the couple faces. Apparently, on rare occasions that they get the bed all to themselves, the intimacy is not so forthcoming.
Monica explains, "Our bed has become like his bed and somehow, it is very difficult to get aroused or feel sexy when you know that your child has been sleeping on the same bed."  

PARENTHOOD VS SEX-LIFE
Somehow when kids come into the picture, your maternal and paternal instincts take over and for a while, replace those raging hormones that depicted those pre-parenthood moments of unabashed and uninhibited passion.  

"Sex before and after parenthood are worlds apart. Before, we were at it at every opportune moment. After we became parents though, we totally forgot about sex as we went about grappling with parenthood," shares 43-year old Trish Brown. 

While it is normal for sex to disappear from a couple's radar after childbirth, it should come back naturally, unless other significant factors or arrangements come into their intimacy equation. 

Dr Ann Tan, Consultant Obstetrician and Gynaecologist, Women & Fetal Centre says, "Often after childbirth, the physical healing, exhaustion of becoming a new parent, the psychological fear about getting pregnant again and the newly attained role as a mother may push sex out of a woman's head." 

The father on the other hand may have his own issues. See Tiong, a lawyer in private practice recalls, "Just when things are getting steamy, your child's toy at the edge of the bed catches your eye and in an instant, everything turns cold."
 
"It was hard at first to imagine having sex with the mother of my child. I would feel guilty and although I had desires, I just put it on hold," concedes Allan Brown, Trish's 45-year old financial consultant husband. 

But for the Browns, sex did not return until a year later but even so, only on rare occasions when Allan's mother-in-law would volunteer to look after or sleep with their son Lucas. 

"Still, we had to make sure we didn't get too loud," reveals Trish.  

BOUNDARIES AND RULES
Mother of three, 40-year old Audrey Chong, who allowed her children to sleep with her for several years suggests setting some rules. 

"I was aware of all the horror stories about kids being suffocated while sleeping in the parents bed so I made it a point not to let them sleep with us until they were able to roll over, turn and sit up by themselves," she explains. 

When Audrey's kids were around three years of age, she would encourage them to sleep on their own beds. Initially, she slept with them but eventually, after a month or so, they got used to the idea. 

"I may be a mother but I also am a woman with sexual desires. Besides, what is the point of having children if you don't maintain the marital relationship?" She confesses and adds, "Keep the family unit strong by keeping the intimacy healthy." 

"Try dressing your kid's room and help them settle in each night before you head to your private domain. It's important to let the kids know that yours is the adult room and theirs the kids' room. You will give your sex lives a chance that way," advises Dr Tan, who addresses sexual issues regularly through columns in the media.   

"Sexual frequency does not have to take a nosedive after kids come into the picture. Couples need to discuss the intimate aspects of their lives and not leave it behind. Otherwise, it may never come back for a long time, which can really be a shame," advises Audrey.  

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg

- Mother & Baby
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