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Yes! Yes! Yes!
Sex can be better after baby
By Kate Yellands, Wendy Golledge, Elin Tough, Lisa Ward and Saninder Virdee
“Shall we go to bed?” Next time your man asks the question, forget grabbing an extra 40 winks and use our tips to get hold of something far more exciting.
Baggy baby belly, tired as hell, rushed off your feet? It’s not surprising many mums say their sex lives have gone downhill since their little one arrived. But there are some proven ways to put your love life back on track. Promise!
LOVING YOU
“The first thing to remember is not to put pressure on yourselves,” says Rachel Foux, maternity therapy expert and author of The New Mum’s Guide To Sex. “It’s a big leap for many mums to go from being a mother to a lover again.”
The key is to be kind to ourselves first, something we mums don’t find easy. “Time for you is not a luxury, it’s a necessity,” explains Foux.
It’s amazing how small things; like painted toenails or new underwear; can make such a difference to how we feel. Allow yourself some pleasures and you’ll realise you’re still all woman and not just a mum.
“I felt so body-conscious after having Charlie, so I bought some sexy new nighties that were a great cover-up, but made me feel good, too,” says Joan Chia, 32, mum to Charlie, 10 months . “We also had sex with the light off for a while. We had to feel our way around. It became a real turn-on for both of us.”
DID YOU KNOW?
It can take up to two years for your body to return to its pre-pregnancy condition ? that goes for your sex drive, too.
Don’t have oral sex for the first few weeks after birth. There’s a risk of infection and it is dangerous for your spouse to blow air into your uterus, because it can lead to a potentially fatal embolism.
You’ll be advised against having full intercourse until after your six-week postnatal check-up. But research shows your cervix closes within two weeks of giving birth so, as long as you feel ready, any episiotomy stitches have healed and any red bleeding has stopped, it should be OK to have sex sooner. But if you’ve had significant blood loss, postpartum fever or infection, or you had a severe episiotomy, you may be advised to wait a bit longer before having sex, to make sure everything has healed correctly.
Normal vaginal lubrication doesn’t return for a few weeks after the birth - lubricant can help, and if sex feels sore, experiment with different positions.
Pelvic floor exercises dramatically help tone the muscles and improve sensation for you both during sex.
If you’re not breastfeeding, your periods will return from around six weeks after the birth, but if you are, they could take much longer. Don’t rely on the fact you’re breastfeeding to provide contraceptive protection; make sure you get it sorted at your six-week check-up. |
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
You don’t have to be at it like rabbits all the time to stay connected, either. Remember, sex is more than intercourse, and having a kiss and a cuddle will keep you close and ensure your sex drive will return in time.
“I didn’t feel like full sex for a long time after giving birth,” says Jane Menon, 28, mum to 18-month-old Hope. “But that meant we were more inventive than we’d been before. We had lots of sensual massages and spent much more time on foreplay, which was fantastic. Taking our time took the pressure off, too.”
Of course, having a baby is bound to change your relationship. But the euphoria of having a new love in your lives can change things for the better.
“I remember the first time Luke and I had sex after Noah - it was like starting all over again,” admits Lisa Goon, 36, mum to Noah, 2. “We’d been together for eight years, so our sex life had become routine. Having a baby turned us into giggling teenagers again - I really felt like we were back on our first date.”
FRESH WAYS
It’s said to take most couples up to a year to resume a normal sex life after having a baby, largely due to the enormous physical demands a new child makes on you.
“Couples rush back into the sexual habits they had before children rather than finding new ways of being intimate ? ways that are much more compatible with our new lifestyle as parents,” Foux explains.
You just have to be prepared to change your habits. “Sex at bedtime should be banned,” she advises. “You will never get the quality of sex that you deserve when your eyes are half-closed.”
You certainly have to be better at managing your time when you’re parents and plan what you want to fit in - including sex.
Claire Ang-Tomlin, mum to Tomas, 1, and Oliver, 3, couldn’t agree more. “Good post-baby sex is all about making the most of every moment,” she says. “We take advantage of the boys’ nap times and early mornings. I even wake my husband up after Tomas’s night feed!”
Foux believes if you miss your window, you miss the boat. “Couples don’t often realise how vital it is to maximise their free time slots for physical pleasure,” she says. “It’s easy to let the flame go out.”
COUPLE TALK
Sarah Boey, 30, shares why her love life was given a boost after son Ethan, 2, arrived. “Even though sex was off the menu for a few months, my husband Justin and I didn’t stop being close - we kissed, cuddled and talked. We might not have sex as often now, but the sex we have is better,” she says. “We often use Ethan’s daytime nap for a ‘quickie’ during the weekends. We plan our time together and look forward to it. Friday nights are when we light the candles, open the wine and inevitably have sex. It gives me the chance to feel like a woman and for Justin to see me as his wife, not just a mother. And now we’re looking forward to baby number two!”
Staying in touch with what’s going on in each other’s lives is essential. If there’s no connection between you away from the bedroom, there isn’t likely to be much action in the bedroom. Being sensitive to each other’s needs and spending quality time together makes it easier to iron out any problems.
“We make a point of going to bed early once a week just to talk,” says Karima Kamsir, 25, mum to Kamelia, 2. “We’re not allowed to make to-do lists, only to focus on us. We cuddle, and often our chats get steamy!”
You’ll realise by now that you can’t expect to take up your pre-baby sex life exactly where you left off. And admittedly, you may not have sex as often as you once did. But, hey, it’s the quality not the quantity that counts!
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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