These moms and dads tell all

By Wendy Golledge, Elin Tough, Lisa Ward and Saninder Virdee  

Are you struggling to get back to your pre-baby bedroom antics and feeling more earth mother than sex kitten? Three mums share their worries. 

You and your husband both thought having a baby would bring you closer, and in many ways it has. But there’s someone coming between you; someone who has 10 cute little toes, a sweet button nose, a dribbling habit and an addiction to milk! 

If you feel like something’s got to give and it’s your relationship that’s bearing the brunt, rest assured you’re not the only one; most parents find their love life takes a hit during the first six months to a year after birth. But all is not lost, as our relationship expert Gladeana McMahon can confirm. 

"I keep saying no.”
“Since our baby was born five months ago, my sex drive has dwindled, while my husband seems to be hornier than ever. The trouble is I feel so tired and frumpy all the time, but I find it really difficult to tell him that. I feel guilty about saying ‘no’ to sex and I’m starting to worry that my husband will go off me and find someone else.” 
Leanne Har, 29, mum to Freya, 5 months. 

If you’re feeling… guilty
“Sex is about more than just engaging in actual intercourse,” McMahon reassures. “Get creative to make sure your husband doesn’t become sexually frustrated. It’s also important that you talk to him and explain that your lack of interest in sex doesn’t mean you’ve lost interest in him. Often, worrying about sex and feeling guilty are turn-offs in themselves, so the more you worry, the less likely you’ll be to want to have sex. Take the pressure off yourself and, with time, your sex life is more likely to return to normal. But remember your spouse isn’t telepathic, so if you don’t tell him how you feel, he won’t know what’s going on and he won’t be able to support you.” 

“I’ve lost my sex drive.”
“I didn’t have an easy time during labour and it took a long time for my stitches to heal. At first, I was so nervous about having sex that I avoided it as much as possible. We’ve only had sex four times since I gave birth and I no longer miss it. I’m so tired all the time and my body just isn’t what it used to be, so getting steamy is the last thing on my mind. My husband doesn’t understand how I feel and the more he tries to persuade me, the less I want to do it. I’m starting to wonder if my libido will ever return.”
Sharon Lee-Daniels, 31, mum to Thomas, 6 months. 

If you’re feeling… disinterested 
“It’s quite common for a woman to lose her sex drive after giving birth,” says McMahon. “Adjusting to a new role, all those sleepless nights and the hormonal changes you’re experiencing all play their part. For some women, it’s just a passing phase but for others, it can turn into a more permanent loss of libido. 

“When you cease sexual activity, you can also ‘train’ yourself out of wanting sex, as you get used to living without it. It’s important to see this loss as natural and not to heap undue emotional pressure on yourself. But it’s also essential that you don’t fall into the trap of learning to live without sex. Physical contact with your spouse is vital ? make time to cuddle each other, have a steamy shower together or massage each other. Sex isn’t just about intercourse, so engaging in foreplay even if it doesn’t lead to full-on sex will ensure your sex drive will return with time.” 

“I don’t have time for sex.”
“I’ve felt like a different person since I gave birth four months ago. My life has become an endless cycle of breastfeeding, diaper changing and housework. I absolutely love being a mum, but it’s such a big job that I just don’t have time for sex. I know that my husband would love to spend some quality time with me once Hadi is in bed, but I’m so tired by then, all I can think about is going to sleep.”
Dian Yaacob, 27, mum to Hadi, 4 months. 

If you’re feeling… pushed for time
“You may not have as much time for sex as you used to, but the time is there ? you just need to find it,” McMahon promises. “No one has ever died from not washing the kitchen floor, so give up on some of the expectations you hold of yourself and use this time to have an ‘early night’ with your husband instead. You may be a mum now, but you’re still a woman, too, and if you deny yourself the pleasure of sex and intimacy, you’re likely to become resentful over time. 

“Sex is one of the most emotional ways you can bond with your spouse and you owe it to your relationship to create time for it. You may not have sex as often as you used to, but it’s quality not quantity that counts.”

REAL MUMS & DADS TELL IT ALL 

DOES HE STILL FANCY YOU WITH STRETCH MARKS?
Dads confess…
“My wife Jenny was really confident about her body before she had Natalie, but now she’s so self-conscious, especially about her belly and boobs. Nothing I say or do can convince her that I love her new shape, and our sex life is suffering as a result. I actually feel closer to her now than ever before ? she’s not only the mother of my child, but a beautiful, sexy woman; I just wish she’d believe me.”
Mark Bosco, 34, dad to Natalie, 6 months. 

“I couldn’t wait to get our sex life back on track after Jacob was born. But I really underestimated how tired we’d both feel with a newborn to look after ?  half the time, neither of us can stay awake long enough for a cuddle, let alone anything else! Since getting Jacob into a routine, Frances and I have started dedicating one night a week to each other and our sex life is slowly but surely getting back on track.”
James Chua, 31, dad to Jacob, 4 months. 

“My mates all talk about how sexually frustrated they are since becoming dads, but I feel completely the opposite. I love my wife dearly. I watched her give birth and it’s an image I certainly won’t forget, but I find it’s helped me to understand why she’s not interested in sex right now. I know we’ll get up close and personal again, it’s just going to take a while.”
Bharat Balakrishnan, 28, dad to Bhavesh, 9 weeks.
 
“I’ve never felt jealous of the twins. Yes, my wife devotes most of her time to them, but by getting as involved as possible, I’ve avoided the whole jealousy issue and I think it’s stopped our relationship from suffering as a result.”
Chris Harrison, 29, dad to Molly and Leo, 5 months. 

“I love my new son Luke to bits, but if I’m honest, I do occasionally resent the amount of time he demands of my wife. Our lives have changed forever and I can’t help missing our old spontaneity ?  especially in the bedroom.”
Tan Kim Beng, 27, dad to Luke, 16 weeks. 

CAN YOU EVER BE A SEX KITTEN AGAIN? 
Mums reveal all…
“If worrying about leaky nipples is putting you off sex, tell your man. If he doesn’t know the reason why you’re avoiding having sex with him, he’ll start to feel rejected. Likewise, don’t agree to have sex if you honestly don’t feel like it ?  you’ll only end up resenting your husband, while he’ll sense all is not right and feel dejected and even more frustrated.”
Janet Peh, 31, mum to Corey, 8 weeks, and Mike, 2. 

“If you’re worried about feeling uncomfortable during sex, experiment until you find a position you’re both more confident with. If it’s stripping off and revealing your post-baby body you’re anxious about, treat yourself to some sexy new undies or nightwear ?  it might help you feel foxy again.”
Chong Pei Wen, 32, mum to Mabel, 1. 

“Tell your husband how you feel. Talking about your fears or lack of interest in sex can be daunting, but you’ll feel better when you’ve got it off your chest. It will help your spouse to understand what you’re going through and you can devise an action plan together.”
Anisha Krishnan, 34, mum to Chandresh, 8 months, and Jayashri, 3. 

“There are other ways to keep the fires burning until you’re ready to resume your sex life ?  showering your husband with kisses, cuddles and massages should stop him from feeling rejected. If you show him plenty of love and affection, he’ll be less likely to force the issue of sex.”
Lyana Hussein, 28, mum to Zain, 10 months.

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg

- Mother & Baby
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