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| Couple Time
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Reconnecting After Baby
Learn to reconnect with your spouse after baby
By Sarah Hart
The bouquets are wilting, the visitors have dwindled. It’s just you, your man and your newborn - which means your marriage is in danger of speeding from Bliss Boulevard to Fight Avenue. Struggling to get to grips with the demands of a new baby can test even the strongest relationship. Where once you used to cozy up on the sofa, now you argue over whose turn it is to change that stinky diaper. But don’t despair. With a little help, you’ll soon be back on track. Learn how to reconnect, with M&B’s couple survivor’s guide.
If you’re tired and tearful, you’ll find yourself bickering readily when normally you wouldn’t.
You’re learning to be a couple within a new context of parenthood, so you need to make an effort to keep your relationship special. Give yourselves an hour off every now and then, even if it’s just to go round the corner to the café.
Relationships are complex, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but sharing your concerns is good. Keep talking ? it’s the best thing you can do for your baby too.
A hands-on dad doesn’t necessarily mean he’s doing all the diaper changes. It may mean he’s cooking meals to allow you to breastfeed more successfully. |
COMPETITIVE TIREDNESS
No one can prepare you for the debilitating tiredness all new parents feel, which only makes coping with everything else all the harder.
“John and I used to have silly arguments about who was the most tired,” remembers Jacklyn Tan, 26, mum to Sam, 8 months. “We were snapping at each other constantly and both in a fog of exhaustion.”
Rehab recommendation “If you’re tired and tearful, you’ll find yourself bickering readily when normally you wouldn’t,” says relationship counsellor Christine Northam. “Tiredness makes your resistance low. The best thing you can do is tell yourself it’s temporary ? even if it doesn’t feel it at the time. Tell your spouse how you’re feeling, too. Don’t expect him to read between the lines.”
TALK ABOUT SEX
You’ve just given birth, you’re exhausted and trying to breastfeed ? let’s face it, sex isn’t top of many new mum’s agenda. But it can often be a different story for dads.
“I felt so unsexy in the months after giving birth,” says Micha Lim, 33, mum to Tracey, 18 months. “My boobs ached, I felt sore down below and I barely ever got time to wash my hair. I kept putting sex off, until I realised that we’d gone without it for five months! Looking back, I can see how it contributed to a rocky patch.”
Rehab recommendation “If your husband’s keen to have sex and you’re not, you need to talk,” Northam says. “Tell him it’s not that you don’t want his love, support, cuddles and consideration, but that you simply need time. Make it clear you love him, but explain how tired you are ? and reassure him you will get over it.”
Keep talking and find other ways to spend time together. “Use any offers of help so you can put aside a few hours a week to be a couple,” Northam advises.
SPEND “COUPLE TIME”
Becoming parents after years of being a couple means the time you used to take for granted has gone, and this can have a bigger effect than you both may realise.
“John and I always had such a strong relationship ? we met at college and always shared everything,” says Jacklyn. “So it was a real shock to feel we were growing apart. Sometimes we’d go for several days without having a proper conversation. Several times, I found myself in floods of tears about it all.”
Rehab recommendation “You still need to invest in your relationship during a time of change and strain,” Northam stresses. “You’re learning to be a couple within a new context of parenthood, so you need to make an effort to keep your relationship special. Give yourselves an hour off every now and then, even if it’s just to go round the corner to the café.”
BE SPECIFIC
With little time to talk and each of you coping with your new roles as parents, the potential for crossed wires is high.
“While I was breastfeeding Jake, I used to find even going to the bathroom a struggle,” says Shereen Gomez, 33, whose son is almost 1. “Some days Daniel would come home to find me still in my pyjamas. I felt he didn’t understand what it was like to be home all day with a small baby ? I think he felt I had the best bit. In fact, I felt isolated.”
Rehab recommendation “Talk about your concerns and what you can do about them as a couple,” says relationship counsellor Fiona Barlow. “You need to be specific about your problems ? don’t just say, ‘I couldn’t do the laundry today.’ Instead, explain to your husband that you couldn’t get to the washing machine because you had to keep an eye on the baby.”
Barlow advises finding solutions together. “Relationships are complex, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but sharing your concerns is good. Keep talking - it’s the best thing you can do for your baby too.”
We Guys Don’t Get A Look-in!
Are you barring your husband from bonding with your baby? Do you bite your tongue when you see him do something “wrong”? Here’s how to ease up - for both your sakes.
As a new mum, it’s all too easy to see yourself as a “gatekeeper” to your baby. After all, you carried her for nine months, went through the labour and the birth, and probably know more instinctively than anyone what she needs. But this can end up in you not allowing your husband to participate, and when he does try to help, you complain that he’s not doing it right. If you’re irritated by your man’s apparent lack of “help”, or suspect you’re on the verge of becoming a control freak, what should you do?
“Women have to learn to let go,” says relationship counsellor Christine Northam. “You can be very powerful as a mother, but can end up shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t share the responsibilities of caring for your baby. You run the risk, for example, of wondering why, two years down the line, your husband doesn’t ever get up in the night.”
According to relationship counsellor Fiona Barlow, it can help to view your attitude towards parenting in one of three ways.
“Some mothers feel that they should be the primary caregiver to their baby. If this is you, you’ll need someone who can do other things for you, such as cooking and housework. Or you may be happy to negotiate on babycare. Thirdly, you might be the kind of person who’s happy to let others hold the baby while you do everything else.”
Don’t despair if you don’t fall neatly into one of these categories. “It’s complex,” Barlow notes. “Some people alternate between the types, and people change.”
“I could barely stand to be in the same room when Justin gave Michael his evening bath,” says Alice Teh, 28, mum to Michael, 1. “I’d have to sit on my hands, otherwise I’d interfere. And yet, there were times when I was so exhausted that I found myself wishing Justin would take the initiative and do a night-time change without having to be asked. I think I was probably my own worst enemy! These days, I’m much better at asking for his help, either with Michael or around the house, then letting him get on with things.”
While it’s important to involve your other half when it comes to parental responsibilities, it can help if you take into account your partner’s strengths and weaknesses and what he’ll feel happiest doing. “It often doesn’t occur to a couple to talk before the baby’s born about how hands-on the dad will be,” Barlow says. “For example, where do Dad’s strengths lie? Is he really calm ? so perhaps good at getting your baby to sleep? Or is he playful?
“If you want your husband to be involved, you need to give him time alone with your baby,” she adds. “A woman learns by doing, but when Dad gets a chance to try, Mum is standing over his shoulder. Once you’ve worked out where your hubby’s strengths lie, allow him to devise his own way of doing things.”
“Samir always does Erfan’s bath when he gets home from work,” says Nur Wahidah, 28, mum to Erfan, 8 months. “It gives us all something to look forward to. Erfan adores his dad and the two of them love the time together, while it gives me half an hour to take a break and cook dinner.”
Crucially, though, remember that every couple is different, and what counts as hands-on parenting can vary enormously. “A hands-on dad doesn’t necessarily mean he’s doing all the diaper changes,” says Barlow. “It may mean he’s cooking meals to allow you to breastfeed more successfully.”
Being a 21st-century dad is about having more input, but that can take different shapes and forms. It’s all about working something out by exploring what works for you both as a couple.
Mums Like You
Kelly Sim, 29, mum to Jeff, 3 weeks, and Grace, 2, shares how her relationship with her husband Kevin, 31, changed after the birth of her first child.
“Soon after I had Grace, I developed postnatal depression that lasted seven months. Kevin was very supportive, but I didn’t think he really understood how I was feeling. We were both so tired and because I felt so down, we struggled to adjust to life with a baby.
We used to be able to talk about anything. Now there didn’t seem to be time to do anything for just the two of us. When we did get time to ourselves, we just wanted to sleep. We didn’t go out and we didn’t make time to talk.
I found it even harder when Kevin went back to work. When he came home each day, I’d often tell him I couldn’t cope and would simply hand Grace over to him. He was very patient, but we seemed so distant from one another.
When Grace was 8 months old, we celebrated our second wedding anniversary by getting away for the weekend, just the two of us, while my mum looked after her. We missed her terribly, but the weekend celebration away brought us back together as a couple. By the end of the week, we’d really reconnected.
After that, we made much more of an effort to get someone to babysit Grace so we could go out for a walk or for a nice meal once in a while - nothing extravagant, just quality time as a couple.
This time round with my second baby, Jeff, everything feels so much easier. Kevin and I make more of an effort to talk and reconnect when Grace and Jeff are asleep, and although we’re both tired, we’ve done it before - so we know it doesn’t last forever!” |
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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