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| Couple Time
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Babyproof Your Relationship
A quick guide to keeping your relationship on track
By Sharon Wright
Learn to “power nap”. Wait for the baby to nod off, or take it in turns letting the other go and lie down somewhere quiet.
“You should put time alone together in the diary, just like a doctor’s appointment, and get someone to babysit. Don’t have an agenda, just be together. It’s important to set aside time together as partners, not as Mummy and Daddy.”
The key to keeping your relationship on track is letting each other know how you feel and how you’re going to cope with life with your new baby. |
You and your man used to spend evenings laughing over a bottle of Chardonnay, or packing for a last-minute romantic weekend away. Now, it’s all you can do to grunt that you’re out of diapers, or share a sofa for half an hour before you both fall asleep.
It can come as a bit of a shock to discover the toll a little one takes on your relationship. But becoming parents doesn’t mean it’ll never amount to more than “Pass the baby wipes” again. With just a few sensible babyproofing steps, you can make sure you last the distance now that two has become three.
When you both burst into tears at the sight of your new baby, you knew things would never be the same again. But when the helium balloons and flowers give way to breast pads and baby poop, it’s hardly surprising that your relationship can suffer.
ALL CHANGE
“It’s normal for your whole world to change when you have a baby,” says clinical psychologist Linda Blair. “You have to adjust to this new person, and of course it’s going to put a strain on you.”
“It definitely takes time to get used to your new roles,” says Karen Sim, 33, mum to 12-week-old Javier. “Before, if Andrew and I wanted to go out all night or sleep in all morning, we could. That’s all changed. It’s a different way of life and we had to get used to that.”
Dealing with this shift means putting yourselves first, rather than the demands on your time and energy from well-meaning visitors.
“To keep a balance, you have to prioritise,” Blair advises. “The priority for now is your baby, then your marital relationship, not your friends.”
MUST .. SLEEP ...
You couldn’t have known just how utterly bleary-eyed, T-shirt-on-backwards exhausted you’d feel after another sleepless night. Who can be lovey-dovey when all you crave is to curl up in bed?
“When we’re really tired, we can’t be logical when problems arise, and that’s when they can get out of hand,” Blair explains.
So if you’re getting tetchy with each other through lack of zeds, she recommends learning to “power nap”. Wait for the baby to nod off, or take it in turns letting the other go and lie down somewhere quiet. Set the alarm for 20 minutes (no more or you risk waking up even groggier). Then close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply, in through your nose, then out through your mouth.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually drop off; it’ll still recharge your batteries.
“This is dynamite,” Blair stresses. “It’s the best thing you can do to help you both feel rested and rational.”
Top tips to keep your relationship going strong
• Talk about your feelings and don’t keep things bottled up. Your husband might even feel the same way, too. Book a time for “the chat” and stick to it.
• Listen. Try to see things from his point of view and don’t compete over who’s the most tired or has had the worst day.
• Be kind. Don’t blame each other or use critical language. Sleep deprivation leaves you physically and emotionally drained and it can be easy to lash out.
• Manage your expectations. Don’t expect to take up your pre-baby sex life where you left off ? being a new parent is tough and striving for perfection is a recipe for disappointment. |
COSY COUPLEDOM
Even if you’ve had enough sleep, spending any time with your other half (that doesn’t involve discussing whose turn it is to settle the baby for the night) is hard. But carving out couple-time is crucial, says Blair.
“You should put time alone together in the diary, just like a doctor’s appointment, and get someone to babysit,” she says.
“Don’t have an agenda, just be together. It’s important to set aside time together as partners, not as Mummy and Daddy.”
The effort of arranging a “date” does pay off, agrees Janice Tay, 33, mum to 7-month-old Evan, Luke, 2, and Sam, 5. “Before the kids arrived, I’d spend hours getting ready to go out,” she says. “But now I have 10 minutes and by the time I’ve got the children all fed and in bed, I feel so stressed and think, ‘Is it worth it?’ But you have to, because it’s great when you finally get time on your own together.”
NOT TONIGHT, LOVE
And talking of time on your own, it’s pretty normal to see your sex life take a nose-dive when you’re adjusting to life with a newborn.
“I don’t get into bed and cuddle up to Andrew as much as I used to,” says Karen. “It’s more, ‘Get off, I’m tired!’ But then he’s usually tired, too!”
But the lack of a love life can become an issue for many new parents, says psychologist and family therapist Dirk Flower. “A mum’s first priority is sleep,
not sex,” he says. “But a man’s way of dealing with stress is by having sex, so there’s a conflict there already. You need to really talk through how you both feel.”
The same goes with any other resentments that raise their heads as you get used to how your lives have changed. “It’s common for each parent to feel hard done by,” says Flower. “But you risk playing the ‘I’m more knackered than you’ contest, and that won’t help anyone.”
TALK, TALK
The key to keeping your relationship on track is letting each other know how you feel and how you’re going to cope with life with your new baby.
“Have a planning session after breakfast on a Sunday morning,” Flower suggests. “You can’t sleep in any more, so make it your time for saying, ‘This is what we’re going to do for the next week.’ You have to work on a new language that centres on, ‘How are we going to deal with things?’”
Having an action plan is something Janice can vouch for. “We’re devising a plan for when I go back to work,” she explains. “There’s less to argue about when things are organised.”
The good news, though, is that coping with the ups and downs of life with this new little person you both love to bits can actually bring you closer.
Muddling through together makes what you had before even better because now, you’re not just lovers and you’re not just parents; you’re a family.
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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