Make the time to talk with your tween

Text Emilyn Tan

The tweens.

This is an age when he’s increasingly defining himself by how others see him. He has his own firm friends now, and he’s also making it clear he has his own likes and dislikes, and that he’ll often make choices not dictated by his parents.

Does he still need you?

All the more.

Although children this age may start to seem as capable as mini-adults, they still have one foot in the kiddy stage. Straddling the phases of maturity can be bewildering, say child development experts, and tweens still crave to “connect” with mum and dad for the reassurance that they are loved and accepted even though they are growing up.

No prizes for guessing that this takes time on the part of both parent and child, but when that coveted half-an-hour together becomes available, how can you be sure the two of you will make the most of it?

There are no ready answers. However, the hope to hold out is that the effort put into building a relationship will pay off during the teenage years. Children really do pull away then, and the only boundary that might rein them in could well be a warm and comfortable relationship with you.

In the meantime,

Log into your child’s life regularly
Even if 15 minutes is all you have, check in with your child every day. Find some time for a casual conversation, even if over a glass of Milo at night. It’d be a lot easier than cramming in a week’s worth of questions over a Sunday lunch. Imagine rattling off: “How is school? What has the Chinese tuition teacher been giving you to do? Did you go for the robotics club meeting last Wednesday? And what new songs have you learnt on the piano?” all at one go, and you get the drift.

One-on-one time
Make a routine out of that daily time slot, and use it well. Fit in a quiet game (like chess) or activity (folding the laundry together) if you can, and listen up for the confidences he might share unconsciously. These will give you glimpses into what’s on his mind.
 You won’t get significant insights every time, but that’s okay. Ron Taffel, author of Parenting By Heart and The Second Family, has said, “Kids talk to parents in spurts. They’ll go weeks sometimes without telling their parents anything. Then, if parents have made room for conversation, kids will really start to talk.”
 More importantly, enjoy hanging out with your child. You’ll both appreciate it. Says author Monte Swan in Romancing Your Child’s Heart, “Children use behaviour to communicate their feelings, and they recognise our feelings by our behaviour. They’re more skillful at this than adults because they’re less distracted. We think our words have power in themselves to communicate our feelings to our children, because we underestimate our children’s ability to ‘listen’ to the way we behave. They read between the lines and they’re watching us all the time.”

If there are issues, don’t interrogate
Instead of demanding why, find out what happened by asking constructive questions. For instance, if he is brooding and you have a hunch it has something to do with the upcoming tennis tournament, ask specifically:

"How did the trials go?"
"Eleven of us qualified, and they only needed 10 on the team."
"What happened then?"
"We drew lots, and I didn't get in."

You will probably not hear him say, "I felt so awful I almost cried", but you will sense it as he's relating the story. You being a quiet and trustworthy presence will be enough to help him sense your empathy for his disappointment.

Some of the suggestions Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, have made about encouraging autonomy might be helpful about leading him to make a decision about his next step:

• "Let children make choices."
You: "Do you think you could be a reserve?"
• "Show respect for a child’s struggle."
You: "Just sitting on the bench will be hard, but don't forget that your teammates will really appreciate your support."
• "Don't take away hope."
You: "Continue training, and you’ll be good enough to try out again next year. That would be a great experience if you make a comeback!"

There will be nothing predictable about what you learn in these informal chit-chats with your tween. But if you are patient and consistent about them, you’ll be rewarded by a "connectedness" that is gratifying, in and of itself.

And besides, he'll love you for it.

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