Is your kid obsessed with a friend or a pop idol?

Text Emilyn Tan

Let's just say your daughter's best friend's name is Cynthia.

One day she might be bursting with the news, "Cynthia has a new school bag! She got it for her birthday!" Or, "Cynthia has just started drawing classes!" Perhaps it’s, "Cynthia is reading books from the Horrible Science series now!"

Count on hearing that a lot about Cynthia as your daughter moves into her seventh year. And not just Cynthia. Her idol could be anyone from the bookish best student in her class, to one of the Puffy AmiYumi pop stars, or she could change her mind from day to day.

Even if you laugh the moments off as "just a phase", take note of why these personalities make an impression. Is it teacher-approved behaviour and grades? Media-hyped fame and glamour? The myriad number of reasons could give you some insights to the ideals your children are beginning to hold dear.

"This is the most significant period of value development because the child begins to make his or her own value judgments," says Joanna Koh-Hoe, vice president of operations of Focus On The Family (FOTF).

WHAT’S BEST?
While it is time to allow individuality to surface, there is still a core of good character traits that should be honed in all children of the seven to nine age range. Raffles Hospital's Dr Clarice Hong, a consultant psychologist and psychotherapist, lists
• broad-minded
• independent
• responsible
on her personal wish list.

FOTF's Koh-Hoe expands the context of "responsible" from mere reliability to accepting responsibility for actions and attitudes. She laughs, "Life is difficult or unfair – for everyone! Blaming others or circumstances is foolish."

There is also the aspect of responsible stewardship, as in learning to take care of things and to appreciate the value of money. In keeping with this, it is important to teach children of this age group to exercise gratitude, as well as the discipline of delayed gratification. As she puts it, "Good things come to those who wait."

And even though Sigmund Freud was once quoted as saying children are the most selfish creatures, says Hong, there are ways to heighten their sense of empathy and altruism. 

Parents do not have to wait until the tween and teen years to start teaching these values. Instead, "encourage your child to put aside that little bit of pocket money, or chip in for a birthday present for (someone else); these are but a few examples of inclining children in this manner," Hong recommends. "It would definitely be much easier (to instill the habit) in their early years." 
 
KEY PRINCIPLES
No one's to say how deep-rooted these ideals are going to eventually become, but Koh-Hoe is insistent that planting good seed is a far-reaching legacy that parents can seek to leave. She says, "None of us can guarantee that our children will find success and happiness in life, but we can increase their odds by equipping (them) with certain values to counter their bent toward (waywardness).

"Those who live responsible, good lives tend to instill the same in their children. Just as bad tends to breed more bad, good tends to breed more good; it is a reality we can't deny."

However, mums and dads shouldn't too harsh on themselves – each one will falter every now and then. "I often tell others that even I make mistakes in bringing up my children," says Hong, a mother of three.

"At times ignorance leads us to repeat the same mistakes that our parents made (with us). Other times, the resistance to repeat exactly how we were raised swings us to the opposite of the pendulum."

Veering away from the authoritarian style of old, she states, "I actually encourage authoritative approach (to parenting) because I never saw the rationale of being caned. “My partner and I have talked about this and I do not intend to possess a cane in our household. There are slip-ups when we rant and rave, but we become mindful when we watch our older two children repeating the same act of shouting at the youngest. But we are all humans, and even as parents, we learn along the way."

"No two parents are alike, and no two parents have been raised identically. The best way is finding a comfortable medium between the two different styles and making sure that both parents agree and that the style is consistent."

A SENSE OF PURPOSE
Meanwhile, mums and dads would be well-advised to monitor the many factors that can influence the moral development of their children apart from parental nurture. Among the many possibilites, these include education, friends, daily experiences, the media and religion. "We can't and shouldn't leave the teaching of values to the school, or our religious organisations, or worse still, the media our children are exposed to these days," says Koh-Hoe.

"It is the parent"s job to give our children a framework for living – to equip them with a strong sense of identity that comes from knowing where they came from, who they are, and how they fit into the grand scheme of life.

"Teaching values is like equipping our children with a compass – a fixed point of reference that gives life a clear sense of direction and clarifies what is right and what is wrong. This gives a child great stability."

Adding her vote of confidence for parents who remain involved, Hong says, "In the early years, parents lay the foundation. In the latter half of the child’s development, there will be a risk of peer influence, but if the foundation has been a strong one, the temperament of the child together with the parental influence shapes the moral development of the child."