Help children deal with negative emotions

Text Emilyn Tan

The five-year-old has been unusually moody, and there has been a worrying listlessness. The Barbie dolls have been left half-dressed, the Hot Wheels car launcher abandoned with vehicles still waiting for their moment.

She's not ill, and he doesn't seem like he’s coming down with a bug either.

What could be the matter?

Perhaps it's the emotions. Child development experts suggest that between four and six years of age, kids begin to feel jealousy and rivalry – and other emotions that are just as complex – keenly.

"And because they're beginning to identify their emotions with their self-image, they suddenly have a harder time expressing themselves and may even try to conceal 'bad' feelings, such as anger, fear, or loneliness," child psychiatrist and bestselling author Stanley Greenspan has written in Parents magazine.

Perhaps the baby got a bigger toy for his birthday. The five-year-old is upset but is unable to resolve the desire for her parents' approval (by being gracious) and having her own, very real wants (a similarly attractive new toy).

"Experiencing complex, even conflicting emotions is actually a sign of healthy psychological and social development," he continues, "provided your child is also learning to harness those emotions."

A discerning parent can encourage this process by identifying the emotion and explaining how it affects children – and all people in general. It is also important to be reassuring, so that the child will feel it is safe to open up.

Talk about what happened
If the five-year-old suddenly bursts into tears when the subject of the baby's new toy comes up, you might probe calmly into the who, what, when details. At bedtime, you might try to help her cope with her earlier turmoil by asking a question like, "How did you feel when Aunty Meg brought a present for the baby and didn’t bring one for you?" Draw her out with a description of her feelings: "Were you angry with her?" or "Were you jealous that you didn't have something new to play with too?"

Be empathetic
Don't brush off her feelings with a remark like "Don't be silly, there was nothing to have been upset about; you have plenty of toys."

If she says she is angry because "the baby always gets the new and cute things", be supportive of the courage and effort it has taken to express herself.

"That really hurts, doesn't it?" is an assessment you might make, and continue the conversation by asking what action she wishes she could take. If the answer is: "Hide all his toys away and play with them myself," you should accept the emotion – however negative – because it's real, even if you cannot condone the action.

"The language of empathy does not come naturally to us," write Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their bestselling book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. "It’s not part of our 'mother tongue'."

In these authors’ view, a listening ear and an empathic response are all children need to come to an independent resolution of their feelings. They also suggest parents:
• Listen with full attention
• Give the emotion a name
• Respond periodically with a simple, "Oh" … "Mmm" … "I see".
• Give children their wishes in fantasy – for instance: "I wish I had the magic power to make another toy just like baby's appear right now for you!"

"If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experience by the child as phony or manipulative," say Faber and Mazlish. "It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child's heart."

The point is to teach your child to talk through her conflicting feelings, rather than act them out.

Follow up
Over the next few days, be sure to continue to use the incident as an opportunity to explore emotions in different ways. This will "help her begin to see that problems are more satisfactorily resolved when she has some perspective on – and control over– her emotions," says Greenspan.

"It's important to help your child come to terms with unpleasant feelings, even when nothing can be done to change them. Remember, a child who learns to accept her complex and conflicting emotions also learns to accept herself."

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