Yes, people start treating you differently, but they are mostly well-meaning

 By Charlotte Coleman

If you don’t want to sour a beautiful friendship, make an effort to limit the baby talk when you’re with your non-mummy mate.

Hmm. Is it your imagination, or has everyone around you started talking very s-l-o-w-l-y? And why is your mum suddenly questioning what you ate for lunch for the first time since you left school? You’re the one with hormone overload, so why are your friends and relatives acting so weirdly? 

Mother & Baby takes a look at how your pregnancy can make your nearest and dearest behave in very strange ways, and gives you some tips on dealing with them; without starting World War Three. 

YOUR MAN
Okay, so he’s developed an obsession with your boobs that’s more befitting a teenage boy than a grown man. But he’ll also rub, kiss and talk to your bump with a tenderness that will make your heart melt. And even if he’s become boringly knowledgeable about the mechanics of strollers (well, one of you has to know the difference between lockable and swivel wheels), he’s also there as a sounding board for all your worries and gripes. Essentially, your relationship is the same as before you were pregnant, but with an added dimension of intimacy. In theory, at least. 

“My husband Joel was so concerned when I had an early bleed that our sex life came to a screeching halt, despite being reassured by the doctor that it was perfectly safe,” says Leanne Thio, mum to Tyler, 10 months. “Then he started clucking around me, commenting on everything I ate and kicking a big fuss if I so much as sniffed a glass of wine. He’s usually really laid back, so I kept asking, ‘Who are you and what have you done with my husband?’”
Pregnancy is an anxious time and with the focus exclusively on you, it’s easy for your man to feel a little out of his depth. While you don’t want him to dismiss your worries altogether, you also need him to keep a sense of perspective. So suggest he discusses his fears with your gynae or a friend who’s already a dad. Also, look at the way you communicate with each other and set aside some specific time to discuss your hopes and fears about your pregnancy and impending parenthood. 

YOUR BEST MUMMY MATE
The unwritten code of motherhood states that women who’ve already had children must initiate clueless novices (that’ll be you, then) by shaking their heads sadly and smiling condescendingly when you say things like, “The baby won’t change our lives, we’ll still go out; we’ll just take him with us.” So if your best friend is a mum, be prepared for a certain “been there, done it, got the nipple shields” hierarchy to enter your relationship now you’re pregnant.
“My best friend is a mum of three. She always laughs when she sees my house and warns me it’ll never be tidy again once the baby’s born,” says Charlotte Pereira, 25 weeks pregnant. “On the other hand, she’s as genuinely happy and excited about my pregnancy as I am. She’s always there for me and it’s so reassuring to have a friend who understands exactly what I’m going through.” 

YOUR BEST NON-MUMMY MATE
“My best friend recently accused me of joining the ‘elasticised waistband mafia’ and bringing every conversation back to the baby,” says Miranda Choi-Robertson, 28 weeks pregnant. “She was half-joking, but I have to admit it is all I’m really interested in right now.” 

If you don’t want to sour a beautiful friendship, make an effort to limit the baby talk when you’re with your non-mummy mate. If you notice her eyes glazing over or catch her staring at the wall, don’t try to liven things up with yet another “so my gynae says…” anecdote.  

YOUR COLLEAGUES
You can hide a lot of things from your colleagues, but pregnancy isn’t one of them. And once the word is out, expect some rather odd reactions. 

“My boss, whom I’d considered a friend, acted as though I’d got pregnant just to mess up her budget,” says Lynne Tam, mum to Isabella, 12 weeks. “She never said or did anything discriminatory, but she let me know at every opportunity that covering my maternity leave was going to affect the department financially.” 

Making sure you maintain the level of professionalism your company expects, and asking for help if you need it, are the best ways to convince colleagues that you’re not just turning up at work to surf baby websites and raid the vending machine for Mars bars. But it isn’t always easy. 

“One of my colleagues keeps touching my tummy,” says Nurliza Ahmad, 30 weeks pregnant. “She’s just being kind, but it’s totally inappropriate and I feel like a pet dog rather than a manager!” 

If a colleague is overstepping your personal boundaries, take them aside and politely explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Or take the coward’s way out and tell them you have a highly contagious, pregnancy-related skin disease! 

YOUR MUM
“I had awful morning sickness and my mum kindly assured me that because she had it for the whole nine months, I would too. I think she was actually a little disappointed when mine stopped at 18 weeks,” says Seah May May, 37 weeks pregnant. “Now I’m close to my due date, I’ve banned my mum from talking about her labour. I know she means well, but I don’t want to fear childbirth more than I already do.” 

You may be an adult, but you still need your mum, and nobody knows that better than the lady herself. Which is why she sees it as her duty to pass on all her pregnancy knowledge. Never mind that the last time she was expecting, smoking was allowed, eating liver was encouraged, and drinking milk or soy bean meant the baby would be fair skinned. 

The good news is that as soon her grandchild arrives, she’ll have a new focus for her well-meaning attention. Then, your only problem will be trying to convince her that frilly tutus really aren’t what all the best-dressed babies are wearing these days. 

YOUR DAD
When you were a child, he referred you to your mother when you asked how babies were made. Now that you’ve quite obviously solved that dilemma, don’t be surprised if your dad’s squeamishness reaches a whole new level. 

“My dad has always been the type to almost die with embarrassment if anyone so much as mentioned periods, but he surpassed himself when I was pregnant,” says Wong Ee May, mum to Ruth, 7 months. “He was delighted at the prospect of becoming a grandfather, but I thought he was going to pass out when I showed him my scan photos, and he wouldn’t even look at my bump. It became the family joke that he was going to be my birth partner!” 

As far as your dad’s concerned, you’re his little girl and he’s probably still trying to come to terms with the fact that you’ve so much as held hands with a boy. So, don’t expect too much involvement in the mechanics of your pregnancy. Just hand him a nice, clean baby and let him get on with being a devoted granddad.

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg 

- Mother & Baby
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