MOM'S WAY

Your baby opens his eyes and blinks. Having heard the faint rustle of his tiny eyelashes, a nanosecond later, you’re standing over his cot, ready for action. 

Your baby’s crying! Hungry? Wet? Lonely? Cold? Ill? Never fear, my little one, Mommy will work methodically through the list until the reason is found and those tears are dry.
 
Look at him, lying there on my lap. I could stroke his face gently all day. So soft, so delicate. Just staring at his chubby little cheeks is sooo restful.
 
I love walking around with him in his stroller. It’s obvious other moms can see he’s that little bit extra special. We share a kinship, a bond. 

Mommy’s told you not to touch Rover’s rubber bone. It’s dirty. Now let’s wash those hands. 

Darling, when we’re out for dinner you have to sit nicely. No noise, no fuss. Mommy’s little prince. 

I love playgroup. I can relax in the knowledge my son is safe, having fun, and I can swap notes and stories with all the other moms. 

That’s not nice, is it? When my son’s playing with the car you share, don’t snatch. (Maybe you’ll be friends. How lovely!) 

I’ve spent an hour making lunch. It’s nutritious, nice to look at - and you won’t so much as taste it. I don’t know what else to try.
 
Please stop screaming! And get up off the floor! People are staring. They think I’m a bad mother. I’ll never be able to shop here again.

DAD'S WAY

Your baby woke 13 times in the night. A piano crashed through the ceiling, missing you by inches. You finally wake, fully rested, to catch breakfast news on TV. 

Your baby’s crying! That’s normal for a baby, right? I’ll cuddle him while I finish this level on the Wii. Never fear, my little one, Daddy will shoot methodically until all the bad guys are blown to pieces. 

Look at him lying there. Little does he know that daddy the SHARK is going to sneak up on him and pounce! Raaahhh! 

I love the way all the mums look at me when I’m out with the stroller. They can tell I’m just that little bit extra special. Oh yeah! Who’s the Daddy!? 

Look at Daddy with Rover’s bone in his mouth! Try to get it off me using only your teeth! Woof, woof! 

Waiter! Can I have a glass of ice water? I bet my little boy can topple it in less than 30 seconds… 

I love playgroup. I can follow my son round, play with all the toys and relax in the knowledge absolutely no one will talk to me the whole time we’re here. 

I know you’re only 3, but I saw you snatch the car from my little boy’s hand! Oh yes, I’m watching you, Mister. And I never forget a face, pal. 

For 30 seconds, I watched that mush go round in the microwave! And you won’t even try it? Oh, whatever, let’s share this cold slab of lasagne, eh? Yummy! 

You think that’s screaming? I’m going to sit right here on the floor next to you and show you screaming! Oh, and if you people staring think you can do better, by all means feel free to join in!