Consistency in parenting is very important - playing good cop-bad cop may just work against you in the long run

By Deborah Soosay 

Discipline is the fall-back that gives children the measure of security they need as they are growing up and learning to get along with others and live in society. 

Most parents acknowledge this, but too often, they confuse discipline with punishment. 

In fact, the word “discipline” comes from the Latin word "disciplina" – "which means instruction, teaching or learning, and has nothing to do with physical punishment," points out Dr Clarice Hong, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist at Raffles Hospital.  

The purpose of discipline is to give children guiding principles, to empower them to choose what is right through deliberate instruction, rather than through force. 

And hence, the best discipline takes the shape of children learning self-discipline. 

The challenge is for parents to figure out how best to achieve this. It’s easier said than done, as Shirley Ong, a mother of three, would say. 

THE BETTER BET?
When any of Ong's three daughters step out of line, she tries to reason with them. 

"Unfortunately, I am not as patient as my husband, who will sit them down to explain what they did wrong," says the 29-year-old administrative assistant. "I turn to the cane but do not use it unless the limits are persistently exceeded. As such, in my children’s eyes, I have become the devil while my husband is the angel." 

For Raymond Phua, a 43-year-old assistant manager, there is nothing wrong with that scenario. "I think it is important to have a good guy and a bad guy. 

The good guy can act as the middleman and try to help the child see what he did wrong in a nice way," he reasons, "while the bad guy stands as a show that the child’s actions has angered someone." 

THE EXPERT SAYS
Hong, who is also the author of Teaching Children Discipline And Responsibility, accepts that such a stance is commonplace. However, she feels it is more important for parents to get their act together than it has ever been. 

"Parents have to be united because, at the end of the day, if you play good-guy-bad-guy, the child will know who to go to and 'take cover'," she says. "As such, both parents have to decide their approach and then draw out rules as to what is acceptable and what is not, and stick to it. 

Inevitably, the team that is divided will surely lose." 

THE BETTER WAY?
"My husband and his siblings were canned as children while my parents never raised a hand on me," says Caroline Png, a 32-year-old architect. 

"Although we both turned out stable adults, when it comes to raising our two children, we frequently disagree on how we should discipline them. I feel the soft approach works while he thinks being stern, strict and using the cane at times is more effective." 

In the view of Rosalind David, 48, a customer service officer, disagreements between parents are normal but should never be displayed in front of the children. "I tend to be less conservative and he more protective but still, we always try to reach a compromise and rationalise our methods before disciplining our children." 

THE EXPERT SAYS
Child experts widely feel that despite the differences in parents’ disciplining ideologies, they should be consistent and take one unified stand to avoid confusing the child.  

"It is more powerful for parents to say the same thing and stick to the same approach so that the child will not run havoc, (which they might tend to do) especially when parents seem unsure," Hong says. 

Her particular advice is that parents should get to the root of why they are disciplining their children. For instance, they should never try to live their dreams through their children and discipline them when they do not follow the script. Rather, they should encourage their children to live their own lives.    

THE BETTER TOOL?
Pauline Phua, 38-year-old homemaker, believes in sending her nine-year-old son and seven-year-old daughter to different corners of the room for a time-out whenever they argue or fight. 

"I will ask each of them their side of the story and tell both of them what or who is wrong," she says. "Still, if after one warning they continue fighting, I employ a time-out which, so far, has worked like a gem. Within five minutes of sitting in separate corners of the room, they are soon playing nicely." 

Although Pauline’s husband Raymond (aka "the bad guy") admits to owning a cane and taking it out when the children misbehave, he has never used it on them.  

"Of course I make it a point to tell them what they did wrong and why they should not do it in the future," he says. "The appearance of the cane is more of a symbol that a wrong has been committed." 

THE EXPERT SAYS
Hong, herself a mother of three, registers her disagreement. "I am totally against caning because most of the time, parents do it because they have no more disciplining tools to employ or are simply too busy to spend the time explaining right and wrong to their child. The cane is hence seen as an instant cure." 

Her main concern is that an adult is so much more powerful than a child and there is no guarantee that their anger might not get the better of them and lead to an inadvertent injury for the child. 

"I would rather parents know how to discipline and communicate with their child than use the cane as a physical kind of threat," she insists. 

"In many cases, open approval when a child does good or changing the tone of your voice when you are angry can prove effective. And teaching a child about right and wrong behaviour should be undertaken from young and in good times, so that when trouble comes, you have a point of reference." 

She warns, "At the end of the day if you don’t invest in that kind of time, you will eventually pay the price." 

- Mother & Baby
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