Single mums face an uphill struggle raising their kids

Text Cathy Han

Ginny Phang was 23 when she was pregnant out of wed-lock. When her parents found out, the private A Level-student had to move out. Despite being jobless, she refused to abort her baby. To make ends meet, she worked as secretary. Some of Ginny’s relatives would provide her temporary accommodation and she was moving from one house to another for 18 months.

Today, she is mum to Kieran, four and a half, and the owner of a birthing and parenting services business. She has also mended ties with her parents.

"From the moment I decided to keep my baby, it was as if I was walking on a tightrope," says Ginny, now 28. "Single unwed mums face a whole plethora of problems, with financial difficulty as the most stressful. I also had to battle issues of self worth, social acceptance and job discrimination in the past."

Ginny also had to fight to apply for a Housing and Development Board (HDB) flat as pro-family policies meant she was not eligible for one. “I was rejected twice and had to write several appeal letters to the relevant authorities,” she says.

While the struggles in the early days are behind her, Ginny knows too well the difficulties faced by ummarried mums. So, with a partner, she set up a support group Flyin' Solo. The group has a membership of 80. 

Besides unmarried mums, there are other mothers who parent solo because of divorce or the death of a spouse.

Lydia, 40, decided divorce was the best option when her son, Gareth, was three months old. As they bought their HDB flat was bought less than five years earlier, the Board's regulations prevented them from selling it. Her husband held on to their matrimonial flat and she moved out with Gareth.

"It was just impossible to get a rental flat from the government and I had to rent a private apartment in the end," says the IT professional. 

"Having to care for such a young baby without a partner at such a time was tough enough. But what made it worse was the difficulty I had over our heads."

To be sure, government incentives such as the Baby Bonus scheme and other public housing policies favour married parents. Single parents are often left to fend for themselves.

Going separate ways
As for Lydia, the divorce left her overwhelmed emotionally. "It was hard especially when my son was younger," she recalls. "He had fevers almost monthly. I was up all night caring for him and still went to work the next morning. Once, Gareth was hospitalised because of fever. While visiting, I suddenly had convulsions and ended up hospitalised as well for five days, having caught the fever from my son.”

Like many divorced, single parents, Lydia was often plagued by guilt "I worried about everything, especially how my divorce would affect my son," says Lydia. "I was afraid he would be scarred emotionally for life."

Still, she is thankful for the support from her family and good friends, who have rallied around her over the last four years. She says, "My loving family and friends gave me emotional support, assistance and advice. My younger brother was just great. He is my plumber, mechanic and driver. Then, there's a dear psychologist friend, whom I was constantly calling with a barrage of questions about my son, whenever I was hit by a wave of panic," she laughs.

Despite the divorce, Lydia is not bitter. Her ex-husband is involved in Gareth's life.

She says, "He is actually a very good father and Gareth adores him. From day one, I made it a point not to speak ill of his dad. Whatever happened was strictly between us. In fact, we have like this shared vision where we promise each other that Gareth's welfare is what we should focus on."

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