A mum speaks candidly about being in the stepmother's shoes

Text Beatrice Wong

As a generation of women who grew up with Cinderella and Snow White, we have a less than charming image of stepmothers. But what happens when real life casts us for the role? Janice Neoh-Ward talks candidly about being in the stepmother's shoes.

Q: What was your perception of stepmums before you became one?
A: Given the fact that I did know any stepmums, and thanks to all the story books I had read as a child, I believed all stepmums were evil, spiteful, jealous, revengeful and selfish! They could never love a child who was not their own flesh and blood. They were ‘bad’ females who would rather enjoy torturing stepchildren.

Besides, I had personally witnessed friends who were badly treated by their own stepfamilies. That was enough to convince me that stepmums were indeed cruel!

How did you feel when you found out about your husband Daniel's children from his first marriage?
He is very proud of his kids, who were only in their teens when I first met Daniel at work almost eight years ago. I was actually happy to hear about them as they sounded like really great kids whose unconditional bond with their dad underscores their love and respect for him.

It was my family and relatives who were more concerned about whether any new children I might have with Daniel could fit into his life with his older children. Daniel and I also had to adjust to each other’s different cultural backgrounds and an age gap of almost 13 years between us.

Disturbed by the others' concern for me, I asked Daniel about the issue. He assured me that it would not arise. As I wanted to be with Daniel and give him more kids, I put to rest my fears and went ahead with our marriage.

What was your initial relationship with the stepchildren like?
Ideally, I wanted to be a kind and loving stepmum to Daniel's kids. At the same time, I also wanted my own space with Daniel – places for "only us" to visit and plans for the babies we were going to have. Initially, I made only slight efforts for the stepchildren to like me. Although I did not mind spending some time with them when they visited, it did not excite me when Daniel talked about them all the time.

His daughter, Melanie, was not even 19 when we first met. She gladly welcomed me into the family as her stepmum, and the pretty cards she sent me from Australia have since become my precious keepsakes. Melanie did not pre-judge me and was keen to get to know me, which made me respect her in turn.

Wayne, who is three years younger than Melanie, was traumatised when his parents got divorced. As a result, his studies were affected greatly. Daniel blamed himself and would worry incessantly about his son. When Wayne served his apprenticeship at his dad’s office, he stayed with us for 1½ years. Confused by Daniel's decision to work with Wayne, I was not happy that he had not consulted me about this first. Things went a bit haywire for us during that period.

Looking back, having Wayne around was not too bad after all. At least, he had offered to help carry groceries and had done his best to be tidy (even though he was not much into household chores) because he knew I was a cleanliness freak!

How did Melanie and Wayne take to their new stepsisters?
Currently working as a nurse in Australia, Mel made it a point to come to Malaysia to see her sister when Rhiannon was born five years ago. Although it was so strange for Mel because she had never thought she would have another sibling, she fussed, cuddled and kissed Rhiannon nonetheless. Her sisterly affection has been so great that it actually made me wonder if I could honestly love both these daughters and not feel guilty about it.

Wayne, too, loves Rhiannon with all his heart. Helping out at his dad’s company in Tianjin, the now 22-year-old general manager has no qualms about buying dolls, girlie playthings and colouring books for his stepsister.

When Reidun, my second daughter, was born 22 months ago, both Mel and Wayne called me from Australia. The many kind words that they showered on me not only touched me but also made me feel proud of them.

In what ways has your perception of stepmums changed?
After having been a stepmum for more than six years, I have come to realise that my earlier anxiety was unfounded. Over time, I have grown fond of my stepchildren’s visits to Malaysia. In fact, I miss them a lot now, especially since Mel and I both love to shop and we share the same interest in jewellery, clothing, shoes, handbags and even Hollywood gossip!

In my opinion, a husband holds the key to uniting all members in the family. Daniel has always tried his very best to balance everyone’s interest. He would spend a month every year with his children who were in Australia since the day we got married. He only relaxed that idea two years ago when Mel and Wayne were no longer in Australia all the time. At first, I was not very supportive of him being there for one month but after some thought, I knew it was the right thing for him to do. His older children need him, too, and he would have felt helpless if he had not been able to see them most of the year.

Thanks to Daniel's loving support and tactful communication with me about all matters that concern our four children, I am loving every minute of being a stepmum!

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