Heavy Going

Q My girl friend came over for a visit recently and I was horrified when my 3-year-old commented how fat she was in her presence. My friend laughed it off but how do I deal with such insensitive behaviour from my daughter?

A Many young children don’t have a good understanding of how other people’s minds work until after the age of 4. Don’t respond angrily, or you may confuse your child. Remember, your child does not mean to be hurtful, she simply doesn’t understand how a person might feel to be different. So acknowledge your child’s observation while showing acceptance of other people’s differences. You could say, “Yes, people come in all different shapes and sizes. Look at our hands. See how different they are? Let’s look at our faces. My eyes are big while yours are smaller.” This will teach your child to respect differences in others and to be sensitive to their feelings. Try these tips:
• Praise your children’s successes When your child displays proper manners, give her positive feedback immediately. It’s more critical that you do this during the early phase of manners instruction, although even older children occasionally need to hear how proud you are of them.
• Tolerate your children’s lapses, but don’t overlook them Children make mistakes, the more patient you are, the more progress they will make ultimately. Children want to please adults and it’s easier to catch the proverbial fly with honey than with vinegar, although firm reminders may be needed at times.
• Prompt her when it's obvious that she has forgotten a certain social ritual For example, if your child forgets to greet an adult, quietly ask, “What are we supposed to do when we meet someone older than ourselves?” That gives the child the opportunity to do the right thing without feeling that she is being criticised.
• Correct privately As annoying as her lack of manners might be, resist the urge to reprimand her in public. Making a scene while you attempt to teach your child proper manners, is, well, bad manners!
• Last, but not least, set a good example When it comes to manners, your child must see you setting a good example. 

This question was answered by Preman Komala Devi, Principal Curriculum Specialist, NTUC Childcare Cooperative Ltd 

If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg

- Mother & Baby
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