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Round Two
Fuss-free guide as you take your first-born through the key phases of having a sibling
By Helen Brown
Even before you can say “green-eyed monster”, your first-born’s making it blatantly clear that she doesn’t like sharing you with someone small, strange and hungry.
Screaming, “Don’t touch the baby!” isn’t the wisest move. The last thing you want is a tot who realises the quickest way to get her mum’s attention is to poke the baby in the eye.
“Let your standards go! If your tot watches TV while you feed the baby in peace, it’s not the end of the world.” |
So you’ve just found out you’re expecting again. As well as feeling on top of the world, you may also feel a bit nervy about introducing the idea of your impending arrival to your first-born. Well, think of it from her point of view: imagine your man announced he’d met another woman and she was going to come and live with you, but hey, you’d all be great friends. Would you like it?
Going from only child to elder child takes a whole load of adjusting in several distinct stages. It pays to know what your first-born could be feeling at each stage, and how to deal with it. So, here are the main seven stages she’ll go through and how to handle them…
 ONE: ANNOUNCEMENT
It’s time to share the joyous news with your first-born.
DANGER ZONE Don’t expect your tot to be over the moon. “It’s normal for your child to feel confused, anxious or resentful,” says Louise Emanuel, a consultant child psychotherapist. “And you need to allow her to voice her feelings.”
EXPERT TIP “Plan changes sensitively. If the new baby is going to have the cot, move your first-born to a bed well before the baby’s due, so she won’t feel the baby is booting her out,” Emanuel advises.
MUM’S TIP “Read fun but realistic books about new babies, with pictures of the baby crying or mum looking tired,” suggests Laura Fong, 29, mum to Julian, 1, and Molly, 3.
TWO: INTRODUCTION
The baby’s born. And any second now, your first-born’s going to put her head round the hospital room door and have her first big-sister moment.
DANGER ZONE What’s guaranteed to fan the first flames of sibling jealousy? Cuddling your new baby when your “big baby” walks in. She needs your attention and a big hug as she’s always had before.
EXPERT TIP “Let your first-born ‘find’ the baby,” says Emanuel. “Focus on her until she asks where the baby is, or the baby squeaks, at which point you can say, ‘What was that?’”
MUM’S TIP “Buy a present for your baby to ‘give’ your first-born,” says Vivienne Yeo, 30, mum to Marie, 8 weeks, and Kim, 3.
THREE: JEALOUSY
Off you start on your new family life and, even before you can say “green-eyed monster”, your first-born’s making it blatantly clear that she doesn’t like sharing you with someone small, strange and hungry.
DANGER ZONE There’s nothing like trying to rein in a wildly jealous first-born while feeding your second-born to make you feel like the most useless parent ever. “But you can’t stop your child feeling jealous,” says Emanuel. “And learning to manage difficult feelings with your help is a really important life lesson.”
EXPERT TIP “When the baby’s asleep, have a little special time just for you and your first-born every day,” Emanuel suggests.
MUM’S TIP “Let your standards go! If your tot watches TV while you feed the baby in peace, it’s not the end of the world,” says Illyani Zainal, 30, mum to Adil, 1, and Aini, 4.
FOUR: REGRESSION
Now this is annoying: not content with baby jealousy, your older child goes all babyish demanding a bottle- or breast-feed for the first time in years, or wetting herself after months of being dry.
DANGER ZONE Try not to turn this into a big issue it’ll only make it last longer. Don’t comment on the wet pants; give her a bottle or the breast, and wait for the phase to pass.
EXPERT TIP “She’s reminding you she’s still your baby,” Emanuel explains. “Extra cuddles will show her you haven’t forgotten.”
MUM’S TIP “Point out the upsides of not being a baby, like eating biscuits and ice cream!” says Shelley Bosco, 27, mum to Calum, 4 months, and Alfie, 3.
FIVE: TOUCHY-FEELY
Your first-born is curious about her new sibling, which leads to touching and patting. It’s all very sweet, but given the hand-eye coordination of the average toddler, can be rather dicey for your baby and your blood pressure.
DANGER ZONE Screaming, “Don’t touch the baby!” isn’t the wisest move. The last thing you want is a tot who realises the quickest way to get her mum’s attention is to poke the baby in the eye.
EXPERT TIP “If your child pokes your baby on purpose, make it clear that’s not allowed. Let her bash some soft toys about instead,” Emanuel suggests.
MUM’S TIP “Show her a safe place to pat the baby, like on the tummy,” says Lorraine Rodgers, 32, mum to Peter, 6 months, and Jodie, 4. “Heap on the praise when she does it nicely.”
SIX: TOY TUSSLES
Baby’s old enough to play with toys? Let the “mine, mine” tussles begin! Watch how that long-discarded rattle is a must-have toy now it’s in sibling hands…
DANGER ZONE Don’t be too hard on your first-born it’s tough learning to share. And don’t always take the younger one’s side. Small hands can be good at snatching too.
EXPERT TIP “Let your first-born have a ‘special’ play with her toys while you distract the baby,” advises Emanuel.
MUM’S TIP “To help your first-born learn to share, use a kitchen timer, telling him, ‘It’s your turn when the bell rings,’” suggests Tan Swee Neo, 34, mum to Alastair, 8 weeks, Luka, 3, and Finn, 5.
SEVEN: BEST OF PALS
You never thought you’d see the day - your children are playing nicely together.
DANGER ZONE Lovely as it is, don’t just leave them to it. “Your children still need you there,” Emanuel notes. “Get on with a job, but watch and encourage their play.”
EXPERT TIP “Don’t expect your first-born to be the ‘responsible’ one,” says Emanuel. “She’s still a small child.”
MUM’S TIP “Make sure they know how pleased you are to see them getting on so well. Praise their little socks off!” says Madhu Supramaniam, 28, mum to Malati, 1, and Madhav, 3.
Of course, that “rubbing along nicely” stage could well take decades to happen! But try to have fun and just go with the flow. You never know, you may soon be introducing them both to Baby Number Three!
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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