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I'm A Confident Kid
Here's how you can help build your child's self-esteem
All children need love and appreciation and thrive on positive attention. The phrase ‘an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure’ is especially true when dealing with self-esteem in children.
Our early experiences often stay with us for many years, shaping the adults we become. A happy childhood provides a positive foundation for the rest of one’s life.
How we view ourselves as children can greatly influence how we view ourselves as adults and whether or not we are happy, useful members of society in later life. |
When his parents take him out for a meal, Azriel Lim, 4, decides what he wants to eat, before placing his order with the waiter. When his mum takes him home in a cab after school every day, Azriel not only gives clear directions to the cabby, he even tells him the correct street names and where to turn. Taxi drivers and waiters are usually impressed that Azriel possesses so much confidence for a boy his age. Indeed, Azriel has good self-esteem.
FEEL-GOOD FACTOR
For children, self-esteem is about feeling happy, confident, secure, important, and knowing that they fit in, explains Lynn Heng, assistant general manager at My First Skool.
Children with positive self-esteem feel that the people who are important to them care for them and accept them for what they are, notes Jessie Ooh, a psychologist with the Department of Paediatrics at the National University Hospital’s Children’s Medical Institute. She adds, “These children will grow up able to recognise and accept their own strengths and weaknesses. Positive self-esteem allows a child to accept setbacks and persevere, and thus do well academically."
At school, children with good self-esteem will have the confidence to learn from their mistakes, try harder, experience new things and even discover hidden strengths. On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem often withdraws from family and school life, as he feels that nobody has any real interest in him, or that his opinions and efforts are worthless.
BUILD ME UP
To boost their child’s self-esteem, parents need to be pro-active and help him feel accepted, loved, valued, happy and confident.
• Appreciate your child's ideas and views Encourage your child to talk to you and respond to his interests and efforts with appreciation and understanding. Give him your undivided attention ? by listening, you convey the importance the high respect you place on his ideas, opinions and emotions.
• Help your child cope with defeat Don’t just focus on success and triumphs, during times of disappointments or crises, showing him your unwavering love and support will help to fortify your child’s lowered self-esteem.
• Give him age- and ability-appropriate tasks and responsibilities Get him to help prepare meals, care for pets, fold the laundry, and so on. Knowing that he can achieve goals will help him believe in himself as he grows up.
• Allow him to make age-appropriate choices and decisions For example, let him decide what clothes he wants to wear, as well as order his own food in a restaurant.
• Encourage social interaction Children who get exposure to various social situations and are at ease with peers and adults will develop positive self-esteem faster than a child who has had little interaction beyond the family circle. Don’t interfere when children have disagreements, allow them to work out disputes and differences among themselves.
• Have fun together! Spending quality time together doing enjoyable activities can help a child feel important. Happy memories of childhood provide a solid base for the future.
• Be patient and try not to interfere Give your child the time to do things independently, such as putting on shoes.
• Show your sense of humour Laugh with your child and encourage him to laugh at himself. Show him that life is not always serious - a good sense of humour and being able to laugh at his little mistakes and blunders will help him enjoy life more.
• Teach positive self-statements Identify your child’s incorrect beliefs about himself and help him set more accurate and realistic standards about himself. For example, if he says, “I cannot do this maths problem sum because I’m so stupid.” Tell him, “You are doing great in school. Maths is just one of the subjects you need to spend more time on.” |
DECIDING FACTOR
Notes Helen Marjan, joint managing director of Lorna Whiston Schools, “A weak self-esteem often prevents children from discovering their individual strengths and makes it difficult for them to develop the ability to make decisions. They become afraid of making the wrong decision and ask others to do it for them. This can also lead to a lack of ability to stand up for oneself.”
However, it is important for children to realise that poor self-esteem is nothing to be ashamed of or be embarrassed about, Heng stresses. “All children need love and appreciation and thrive on positive attention. The phrase ‘an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure’ is especially true when dealing with self-esteem in children,” she adds.
THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME
Fiona Walker, principal director of Julia Gabriel Centre for Learning and Chiltern House, points out, “Our early experiences often stay with us for many years, shaping the adults we become. A happy childhood where one has been encouraged to explore, make friends, take risks and milestones have been celebrated in a safe and caring environment, provides a positive foundation for the rest of one’s life.”
She adds that the positive foundation of a happy childhood develops a child’s self-esteem and confidence ? vital factors in developing positive adult relationships, reducing the risk of divorce, drug and alcohol abuse and in adult life, depression.
Marjan concurs, “We should never underestimate the importance of building self-esteem in our preschoolers. This is the time when children are most impressionable. How we view ourselves as children can greatly influence how we view ourselves as adults and whether or not we are happy, useful members of society in later life."
KNOW BETTER
Eunice Yap, a psychologist with the Department of Child Development at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital, addresses your concerns.
Q My daughter throws a hissy fit when she loses during a game. How do I help her deal with failure?
A Wanting to win is a natural human desire. Young children, in particular, are egocentric, where what matters most is them. They have yet to learn to take the feelings of others into consideration. Share with your child how Mummy or Daddy cope with failure - you are a role model. So, if you mope around or get upset after failing at something, your child will likely pick up the wrong coping mechanisms. Also, point out how other children cope with losing and talk about good coping strategies. Try to reward and praise even if she has lost, pointing out that the effort she puts in is more important, not so much the final objective of winning or being first. Allow room for mistakes, but do not condone errors or pass scathing remarks. Get her to think how she can do better in future.
Q My son is eloquent and can express himself well. However, he makes fun of his classmates who are unable to articulate properly. How can I check his arrogance and make him understand the concept of humility?
A Highlight to your child that everyone has their strengths. His friend may not be articulate but might be very good in Lego or music. Let him know that what he’s saying or doing is hurtful. Give him examples of the times he feels sad or hurt because others have made fun of him (if he has had those experiences). Or ask him to imagine how it would feel if the same thing happened to him. Encourage him to help his friends out instead, and point out to him that his friends help him out, too, in areas where he might not be as skilled.
Q My in-laws use words like “stupid”, “dumb” and “idiotic” in front of my children frequently. Sometimes, they use these words to scold my kids as well. It may seem trivial to them, but I fear it may damage my child’s confidence. How do I deal with this sensitive issue?
A Discuss this with your in-laws. Children model adult behaviour, thus, they may pick up using such words without realising their severity and the impact it has on others. Direct use of such words targets an individual’s sense of self. It can make him feel worthless, angry and bitter and even develop into a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the child starts to really believe and act according to what is said of him.
I KNOW THAT MUMMY LOVES ME
Youth worker Ong Pei Ling, 35, believes that her child’s confidence and sense of worth are linked to his feelings of being loved and valued. She tells how she helps her son Tan Tze Hung, 2, build his self-esteem and confidence.
“When we first put Tze Hung in childcare, he didn’t settle in well. Whenever we dropped him off, he would cry and scream - this went on for about two months. It was a stressful period. After much discussion with my husband, I decided to ask my understanding boss for three months’ no pay leave.
During this time, I set about making sure that he knew that we love him very much, and that he is very important to us. Instead of leaving him at the childcare from 9am to 5pm, I put him there till 12pm, and then gradually progressed to leaving him an hour later over the next few weeks.
When he came home from school, I gave him my full attention by spending quality time with him. After doing this for 1½ months, he was able to go to school confidently and with a smile on his face as he now knows that Mummy loves him."
I CAN STAND UP FOR MYSELF!
When her daughter Eriqa Nayly Qistina, 4, had unpleasant encounters with other children, Lela Suzanah, 35, taught Eriqa how to stand up for herself.
“Previously, when Eriqa was intimidated by other children’s rude behaviour, she would just stare and do nothing and had a confused, and sometimes, worried expression on her face. We overcame our initial reaction of stepping in to protect her, deciding it would be more beneficial to sit her down to discuss how she can deal with the situation on her own. We also cited examples from children’s books on how to overcome several types of situations she might face on a daily basis.
Now, she is able to defend and protect herself when she has unpleasant encounters with other children. She does not keep running to Mummy for help but instead, she will try handle the situation first. She knows that if she is firm and stands up for herself by saying, ‘Please stop that! It is not good manners,’ to the other party, she can stop the intimidation.”
MOTHER & BABY HELP FOR YOU
Great books to read to your kids.
Book list compiled by Nelly Fredolin of the National Library Board.
I Like Myself!, by Karen Beaumont (Call no: English JP BEA)
No Matter What, by Debi Gliori (Call no: English JP GLI)
I’m Special, I’m Me! , by Ann Meek (Call no: English JP MEE)
Clem Always Could, by Sarah Watt (Call no: English JP WAT)
Little By Little, by Amber Stewart and Layn Marlow (Call no: English JP STE)
The Littlest Owl, by Caroline Pitcher (Call no: English JP PIT)
Butt Ugly, by Lynn Montgomery (Call no: English JP MON)
Go to http://www.pl.sg to check title availability. |
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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