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Mummy Milestones
Here's our guide to the important mummy “firsts” you’ll notch up and how to handle them
By Andrea Cottee
Although that umbilical cord’s cut at birth, it can feel a long time until you’re ready to venture out without your baby. But it’s important.
If someone says your baby is ‘so cute and chubby’ and you interpret that as ‘she’s fat’, ask yourself if you’re being defensive. However, if someone’s repeatedly negative, you’re probably better off in more relaxed company. |
On the road ahead as a mum, you’ll follow a huge learning curve and face new challenges practically every day. Whether it’s dealing with that very first time you leave the house after the birth or the first time you have sex post-baby, read on to find out how to take it all in your stride.
THE FIRST TIME
…your husband returns to work
Whether you’re hanging on to his ankles or putting out the bunting, emotions can be mixed when your husband returns to work. “During my maternity leave, I cried every day for two months when Damon left me to it after staying home with me for three weeks,” says Alison Wong, 35, mum to Jonathan, 3, and Thomas, 6. “I’d gotten so used to his support, but a routine gave me a focus and the days became easier.”
Relationships expert Gladeana McMahon agrees, “A structure to your day helps you and your baby feel safe, so see friends and family, or join a mother and baby group. Talk to your husband about what works for you ? maybe he can take over for a bit in the weekends.”
…you go out with your baby
Your maiden voyage together can be a stormy affair, especially if you travel too far too soon. “I wanted to show off Phoebe to my colleagues after her first month, and thought a bus ride into town would be a breeze, but she screamed the whole way,” says Sarah Wee, 28, mum to Phoebe, 5 months. “When I got off the bus, I started sobbing before calling my husband Roy to collect me! It was another couple of months before Phoebe met my colleagues.”
That first outing can be an emotional experience. McMahon says, “Pushing a stroller feels strange, while crossing the road can be terrifying. The secret is to take baby steps. Limit yourself to a short walk that first time. When your confidence grows, go to town with your mum, so you’ve got support.”
…you go out with no baby
Although that umbilical cord’s cut at birth, it can feel a long time until you’re ready to venture out without your baby. But it’s important. “You’re not just a mum, but a person too,” McMahon reminds. “Find someone you trust to babysit while you go out nearby for a short time, then slowly tear yourself away for longer periods.”
“It was six months before Brian and I had our first night out and I ruined it by constantly ringing to check on Dan,’ says Melanie Foo, 26, mum to Dan, 18 months. “We were home after 45 minutes and found my mum trying to get Dan back to sleep because the phone had woken him up!”
…you have sex after the birth
Why is it that the deed that got you pregnant now leaves you clenching your lady bits in fear? “I was so tender from the stitches that I lied to my husband, saying my gynae advised against sex for three months!” says Laura Grant, 28, mum to Jude, 9 months. “But having him hold me and say I was gorgeous made me feel less frumpy and ready to be intimate.”
“Having sex again can be scary for both of you,” McMahon notes. “You’re worried it’ll hurt, he’s worried he’ll hurt you and you’re both tired from broken sleep. But sex doesn’t have to mean penetration. You can do other things until you feel like intercourse again.”
…you get negative comments
“It’s natural to be overprotective as a parent and a throwaway comment can feel like an insult,” says McMahon. “But if someone says your baby is ‘so cute and chubby’ and you interpret that as ‘she’s fat’, ask yourself if you’re being defensive. However, if someone’s repeatedly negative, you’re probably better off in more relaxed company.”
Nurliza Ahmad, 29, mum to Hairul, 2, says, “I was shocked when a woman from my antenatal class kept suggesting Hairul was ‘slow’ for not walking at 13 months. I stopped seeing her ? I’m happier with friends who don’t obsess over my child’s progress.”
…your tot throws a tantrum in public
Dealing with tantrums at home is hard, but when your tot lets rip in public, it’s hideous. “I was mortified when Nicole had a public blow-up,” says Kate Bosco, 30, mum to Nicole, 3. “We were in a shoe shop. When I suggested we buy plain trainers, not flashing ones, she tore at the shelves, sending shoes flying!”
Parenting coach Dr Pat Spungin advises, “It’s hard dealing with the reproachful stares, but tell yourself you’ll never see these people again, then go to a calm space while the tantrum runs its course. It’s a normal part of your toddler’s development as she asserts her independence.”
…your child becomes ill
Infants and toddlers do pick up one illness after another, but it’s still a good idea to get them checked out. “A good doctor is used to seeing a stream of infants and won’t brand you neurotic if you’re a regular at the clinic,” says Dr Spungin.
“I was at the clinic every week when Grace was 6 months,” says Leong Swee Neo, 33, mum to Grace, 14 months. “The doctor said she had a virus, but on our last visit to the clinic, Grace started having fits. She was sent straight to hospital and stayed two nights after doctors diagnosed a febrile convulsion. I’m just thankful that I brought her to the clinic early or who knows what might have happened.”
And that’s another mummy milestone - the confidence to trust your instinct. After all, no one knows your baby like you do.
MUMS LIKE YOU
I first felt like a “real” mum when…
“It took six months, but I knew I could finally (possibly!) handle this mummy business when I fished poop out of Isabelle’s bath without getting hysterical!”
Beth Lee-Morgan, 32, mum to Isabelle, 18 months.
“By the time Ellen was 6 months, I could pop my stroller on and off the escalators in the shopping malls without a care in the world. The mere thought of it used to make me break out in cold sweat!”
Jane Chia, 27, mum to Ellen, 8 months.
“I spent a whole day on my own with my children ? no play dates, mum and baby groups or family ? and didn’t worry about what we’d do all day, I just enjoyed their company!”
Sarah Kamsir, 32, mum to Rohana, 13 months, and Danial, 4. |
If you have any comments or practical suggestions, write to us at editor@family.sg
- Mother & Baby
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